I just ended a long-term relationship today.
I'm not too bothered, it wasn't mine.
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Today was a terrible day.
My ex got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver.
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A couple have not been getting along for years, so the husband thinks, "I'll buy my wife a cemetery plot for her birthday."
Well, you can imagine her disappointment.
The next year, her birthday rolls around again and this time he doesn't get her anything.
She says, "Why didn't you get me a birthday present!?"
He replies, "You didn't use what I got you last year!"
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What does the cannibal do just after he dumped his girlfriend?
Wiped his ass.
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I broke up with my Japanese girlfriend today.
I had to drop the bomb two or three times before she finally got it.
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How do the fairy-tales of the whites and the blacks differ?
The stories of whites start: Once upon a time...
The stories of blacks start: Yo, man, you won't believe what a f**k has happened to me...
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"What happened to your girlfriend, that really cute math student?"
"She no longer is my girlfriend. I caught her cheating on me."
"I don't believe that she cheated on you!"
"Well, a couple of nights ago I called her on the phone, and she told me that she was in bed wrestling with three unknowns..."
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I saw a girl crying, so I asked her "Where are your parents?" and she started crying even more.
Man, I love working at the orphanage.
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Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day.
"Since Valentine's Day is a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"
Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says, "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"
"Osama Bin Laden," she says.
"Why Osama Bin Laden?" her father asks in shock.
"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."
Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with pride. "Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."
"I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow the crap out of him."
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Joke has 69.45 % from 85 votes. More jokes about: black humor, love, navy, religious, Valentines day
A young man decided after 4 years of working nonstop at a decent paying job and saving the bulk of his earnings that perhaps it was time to settle down.
He called up an old girlfriend from his high school days and she answered on the first ring.
As they spoke and reminisced about old times she said to him "Wow, this has been great, I've really enjoyed speaking with you, but I must ask, where on earth did you find my number?"
To which he replied "Honestly? I'm just as surprised as you are, I have been working as a jani tor in our old high school and just happened to see your number etched into the door of a boys bathroom stall! I'm amazed you still have the same number after all these years!"
And she responded "Well, how else was I supposed to keep in touch with all the boys I used to sleep with?"
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"Did you hear about the undertaker who buried someone in the wrong place?"
"He was sacked for making a grave mistake."
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