Joke #10279

I just ended a long-term relationship today. I'm not too bothered, it wasn't mine.

Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver.

A couple have not been getting along for years, so the husband thinks, "I'll buy my wife a cemetery plot for her birthday." Well, you can imagine her disappointment. The next year, her birthday rolls around again and this time he doesn't get her anything. She says, "Why didn't you get me a birthday present!?" He replies, "You didn't use what I got you last year!"

What does the cannibal do just after he dumped his girlfriend? Wiped his ass.

I broke up with my Japanese girlfriend today. I had to drop the bomb two or three times before she finally got it.

A 67 year old Billionaire from Yorkshire marries a 26 year old woman and takes her down the pub to introduce to his mates... When his mates see him walk through the door with his new wife they can't believe their eyes. "By eck old lad! How av you managed to pull a reyt nice lass like her?" The Yorkshireman replies, "It was easy! I gave her a bit of the old Yorkshire charm and then just lied about my age as well." "Ah I see, so you told her you was fotty?" Asks his friend. "No ya daft bugger! I told her I was 90!"

My aunt died, God bless her, at a ripe old age of 104. We called her Aunt Tique.

A man who wants to murder his wife goes in a pharmacy and asks for cyanide. "I'm sorry sir, but I can't give you cyanide just like that." Without a word, the man takes out his wife's photograph and holds it in front of him. The pharmacist apologizes, "My mistake, I didn't realize you had a prescription."

Two cannibals were having their dinner. One said to the other "I don't like your friend." The other one said, "Well, put him to one side and just eat the vegetables."

Always go to other people’s funerals, or they won’t go to yours.

I'm going trick or treating with my mum tonight. It's the only time I can take her out as she's been dead for ten years.