My previous girlfriend had this weird sleeping disorder - in the middle of every night she would wake up and suck my dick. No wonder her dad did not want her to move out.
Q: What's more offensive than a truck full of dead babies? A: Taking them out with pitchforks.
I have to be honest, I am English myself but some of the American jokes on this site just completely ruin it for me. I mean, what the shit happened on the ninth of November anyway?
How many dead babies does it take to screw in a light bulb? As many as it takes to climb on top of them in order to reach the socket.
"I'm going to ask for your daughter's hand in marriage. But it is just a formality." "Who told you that?" "Gynecologist."
Join the Army, meet some fascinating people, then kill them.
Two strangers meet on a golf course and decide to play together. One man says, "I'm a salesman. What about you?" "I'm a hit man for the mob," replies the second man. He pulls out a high powered rifle loaded with scopes and sights. He then asks the man where he lives. Nervously, the first man replies, "In a subdivision just west of here. Gray roof, yellow siding." "You got a silver compact and a red pickup?" "The compact is my wife's car, but that's my buddy Jeff's truck." The hit man looks through the scope again. "Well, they're going at it like teenagers in your bedroom." "I want you to shoot her in the head and shoot him in the balls." The hit man says, "I get paid $5,000 per shot." "I don't care! Just do it!" The hit man takes careful aim and says, "This is your lucky day. You're going to get a two for one!"
A Mexican and a nigger are riding in car. Who's driving? A cop!
A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution. "Let's have sex with a cat?" asked the zoophile. "Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist. "Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it," shouted the murderer. "Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again," said the necrophile. "Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then burn it," said the pyromaniac. There was silence, and then the masochist said: "Meow."
Daughter: "That's it! I'll mary Arthur!" Mother: "But he is a lazy guy and heavy-drinker!" Father: "But you have to start with something!"
A cab driver reaches the pearly gates. St. Peter looks him up in his Big Book and tells him to pick up a gold staff and a silk robe and proceed into Heaven. Next in line is a preacher. St. Peter looks him up in his Big Book, furrows his brow and says, "OK, we'll let you in, but take that cloth robe and wooden staff." The preacher is shocked and replies, "But I am a man of the cloth. You gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely I rate higher than a cabbie!" St. Peter responds matter-of-factly, "This is Heaven and up here, we are interested in results. When you preached, people slept. When the cabbie drove his taxi, people prayed."