How does a leopard change its spots? When it gets tired of one spot it just moves to another.
Two blondes were walking through the woods when one looked down and said "Oh, look at the deer tracks." The other blonde looks and says "Those aren't deer tracks, those are wolf tracks." "No. Those are deer tracks." They keep arguing, and arguing, about half hour later they were both killed by a train.
Q: What happens when you cross a pig with a Democrat? A: Nothing. There are some things a pig won't do.
Where do you find a down-and-out octopus? On squid row.
A waitress walks up to a man to take his order. "I'd like to get the turtle soup, please." The waitress walks off to go get his order, but the man changes his mind and decides he wants the pea soup instead. "Hold the turtle, make it pea!"
Three sons left home to make their fortunes, and they all did very, very well for themselves. They got together recently and were discussing what they each had done to benefit their aging mother. "Well," said the first one, "I bought Mom a huge house in Beverly Hills." "I bought her a Mercedes and hired a full-time driver for her." "I've got you both beat," said the third. "I bought her a miraculous parrot that can recite any Bible verse you tell it to." A little later, the mother sent out a thank you letter to all three sons. "Gerald - the house you bought was too big. I only live in one room, but I have to clean the entire house. Milton - the car is useless because I don't go anywhere because I'm too old. But Robert - you know exactly what I like. The chicken was delicious."
If a four-legged animal is a quadruped and a two-legged animal is a biped. What's a tiger? A stri-ped.
How do jockeys determine which racehorses are the favourites? They take a gallop poll!
Q: What's the difference between a dog and a fox? A: About eight beers.
Q: What did the mother turkey say to her disobedient children? A: If your father could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!