What's the definition of a nervous breakdown? A chameleon on a tartan rug.
I hear you take milk baths. That's right. Why? I can't find a cow tall enough for a shower.
Q: Why don't seagulls fly over the bay? A: Because then they'd be bay gulls.
Teacher: Kids,what does the chicken give you? Kids: Meat! Teacher: Very good! Now what does the pig give you? Kids: Bacon! Teacher: Great! And what does the fat cow give you? Kid: Homework!
Chuck Norris once wrestled a thirty foot snake, and then he realized he was just masturbating.
Bad Zoo 1. When no one else is looking, you swear that the monkeys are mocking you. 2. The Bears exhibit is nothing more than the guys cut from the football team during training camp. 3. The stripes on the zebra tend to peel away in the heat. 4. The Zookeeper always wants to take the Rhino for a walk. 5. The Lion in the lion cage closely resembles the one from The Lion King. 6. The alligator in the Reptiles exhibit is nothing more than the University of Florida's Mascot. 7. If you deposit 50 cents, the giraffe will magically appear and talk to you. 8. Ask the Tour Guide too many questions and you're suddenly dipped in some sort of sauce and placed in the Tigers den. 9. The Elephant appear to be two guys in a two part Elephant suit. 10. Two words: Hippo Dogs!
Someone figured out my password. Now I have to rename my dog.
What does a frog say when it sees something' great? Toadly awesome!
Q: What animal could Noah not trust? A: Cheetah.
I thought I was at a Nicki Minaj concert for 20 minutes before I realized I was just watching a homeless man yell at a pigeon.