What's the definition of a nervous breakdown? A chameleon on a tartan rug.
A zebra has wondered his whole life whether he was a white zebra with black stripes or a black zebra with white stripes. When he dies and goes to heaven he asks God the question "Am I a white zebra with black stripes or a black zebra with white stripes?" God responds, "You are what you are" The zebra goes to his friends and tells them what God had said and that he still doesn't know the answer to his question. One of his friends says, "Well, that means you are a white zebra with black stripes" The zebra asks him why and the friend says, "Because otherwise God would have said 'You is what you is'"
Teacher: "Who can tell me 5 wild animals?" Little Johnny: "2 lions & 3 wolves."
What do you get if you cross a longhorn with a knight? Sir Loin.
Why was the man sued by his horse? For palomino-money!
What happened to the tiger who took a bath three times a day? After a week he was spotless.
Did you hear about the Irishman who couldn't tell the difference between his two horses? His friend suggested measuring them, that didn't help though, the Irishman discovered that the brown horse was only an inch taller than the white one!
Teacher: "Name five things that contain milk." Pupil: "Butter, cheese, ice cream … and two cows."
Why did the gray whale go on a diet? Because he wasn't a Fin whale.
Q: What do women and cats have in common? A: Pussy farts.
A Bosnian catches a goldfish. The goldfish says: "Let me go and I will grant you one wish." The Bosnian says: "No way, I'll take you to the pawn shop – gold is gold."