A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat.
He came across two men.
One was sitting under a tree reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter.
The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him.
Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest, and writers cramp.
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Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?
They were prime mates.
What's black and white, stinks and hangs from a line?
A drip dry skunk.
Q: What's worse than having termites in your piano?
A: Crabs on your organ.
What do you call a group of cattle sent into orbit?
The first herd shot round the world.
Does running out of a burning barn make a cow unusual?
No, only medium rare.
Q: What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A: After a year the dog is still happy to see you.
What's a rabbits favourite car?
Any make, just as long it's a hutchback.
An octopus walks into a bar and sees a band playing in the corner, composed of those bar-room heroes, the Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman. He walks up and says “I’m the best musician in the world. I can play any instrument you like”.
So the English guy goes “Alright then. Play this” and hands him a guitar.
The octopus plays it better than Jimi Hendrix, better than Chuck Berry, better than anyone and hands him back the guitar.
The Irishman says “Okay, how about this?” and shows him to the piano.
The octopus sits down and plays it like never before – Better than Jerry Lee Lewis and Elton John.
The best pianist ever.
Finally, a Scotsman says “Alright, let’s see ya play this then” and hands him a set of bagpipes.
The octopus looks at them and fumbles with them.
Couple more minutes and he’s still struggling and there’s no sound coming out.
Couple more minutes and still nothing so the Scotsman says “Oh, so can you not play it then?”
And the octopus says “Play it? I’m gonna f*ck her when I get her pyjamas off”