Joke #4170

A man is staggering home drunk late at night when he’s stopped by a policeman. ‘What are you doing out here at this time of night?’ asks the officer. ‘I’m going to a lecture,’ replies the man. ‘And who’s going to give a lecture at this hour?’ asks the policeman. ‘My wife,’ replies the man.

"Agent spots a nice looking girl in a bar goes up and starts small talk. Seeing that she didn’t back off he asked her name. "Carmen," she replied. That’s a nice name," he said warming up the conversation, "Who named you, your mother?" "No, I named myself, she answered. "Oh, that’s interesting. Why Carmen?" "Because I like cars, and I like men," she said looking directly into his eyes. "So what’s your name?" she asked. "Beersex."

A:I have the perfect son. Q:Does he smoke? A:No, he doesn't. Q:Does he drink whiskey? A:No, he doesn't. Q:Does he ever come home late? A:No, he doesn't. Q:I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he? A:He will be six months old next Wednesday.

A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can. The bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?" The guy says, "You would be drinking fast if you had what I had." The bartender says, "What do you have?" The guy says, "75 cents."

A doctor is speaking to a patient after an examination, ‘There are two reasons for your poor health, it’s entirely due to drinking and smoking.’ ‘That’s a relief,’ replies the patient. ‘I thought you were going to say it was my fault.’

A number twelve walks into a bar and asks the barman for a pint of beer. "Sorry I cant serve you," states the barman. "Why not?!" asks the number twelve with anger showing in its voice. "Youre under 18," replies the barman.

A man walks into a nearly empty bar and orders a drink. He's sitting alone at the end of the bar, sipping away, and he hears a voice. "Nice shirt." He looks around and sees no one nearby. He forgets about it and continues drinking. "Nice tie," the voice says again. He looks around a second time. The bartender and all other customers are at the other side of the room. Confused, the man calls the bartender over and asks about the mysterious voice that admired his clothing. "Oh, that's the peanuts," the bartender said. "The peanuts?" asked the man. "Yeah, they're complimentary."

Two men are sitting at a bar, slowly sipping their drinks. After a while, the first man approaches the other man, and sits next to him. "This place is great, isn't it?" he asks. The second man, somewhat surprised at the stranger's remark, replies, "Why do you say that?" The first man, in a low tone of voice, responds, "Follow me." The two of them walk over to a large window at the end of the room. The window faces out onto the street, 12 floors below. "Here's why." The first man throws open the window, and boldly steps out into thin air. But he remains aloft! "The air currents are great here!" he exclaims. "It's very relaxing." He floats back into the room. As his feet return to the bar-room floor, he invites the second man to try it. The second man, skeptical, peers out through the window - down to the pavement twelve stories below. He looks to either side, and finally up above, to see if there was anything holding the first man up. Convinced that it was no trickery, the second man swallows, closes his eyes, and steps out into thin air. He promptly falls twelve stories to the pavement below. The first man grins and returns to the bar. Looking rather irritated, the barkeep comes over to the place where the man sits. "You know," he says, disgusted. "You're a real jerk when you're drunk, Superman."

A guy walks into a bar and orders six shooters. The bartender says, "Looks like you are having a bad day." The guy says, "Am I ever! I woke up late for work. On my way to work, I got in an accident. When I got to work, I was four hours late, so the boss fired me. To top it off, I came home to my wife screwing my best friend." The bartender says, "What did you say to your wife?" The guy says, "I told her to get out, and I never want to see her again." The bartender says, "What did you say to your best friend?" The guy says, "BAD DOG!"

A wife says, "Hey! Look at that funny guy who's been drinking a lot." The husband responds, "Who is he?" The wife answers, "Well, five years ago, he was my boyfriend and I denied him for marriage." "Oh my God! He's still celebrating his freedom!" says the husband.

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink and some peanuts. While drinking, he hears funny voices, but thinks nothing of it. Again, he hears the funny voices and asks the barman what they are. The barman points to the peanuts and says, ‘Don’t worry about them. They are complimentary nuts.’