Beer: helping ugly people have sex since 3000 BC!
Sign seen in a bar: "Those drinking to forget please pay in advance."
A woman in the bar says that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts. Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery." The lady asks, "How do I do it without surgery?" "Just rub toilet paper between them." Startled the lady asks, "How does that make them bigger?" "I don't know, but it worked for your ass."
A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The bartender looks at him and says, "What'll it be buddy?" The man says, "Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles." The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all seven are gone almost as quickly as they were served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he's doing all this drinking. "You'd drink them this fast too if you had what I have." The bartender hastily asks, "What do you have pal?" The man quickly replies, "I have a dollar."
A drunk stammers out of a bar and runs into two priests. He runs up to them and says, ”I’m Jesus Christ.” The first priest says, ”No, son, I’m Jesus Christ.” So the drunk says it to the second priest. The second priest replies, ”No, son, I’m Jesus Christ.” The drunk says, ”Look, I can prove it.” and walks back into the bar with the priests. The bartender takes on look at the drunk and exclaims, ”Jesus Christ, you’re here again?”
I certainly do not drink all the time, I have to sleep you know.
Q: What’s the difference between men and pigs? A: Pigs don’t turn into men when they drink.
A man sobering up from the night before is sitting through the Sunday sermon, finding it long and boring. Still feeling hung over and tired, he finally nods off. The priest has been watching him all along, noticing his apparent hangover and is disgusted. At the end of the sermon, the preacher decides to make an example of him. He says to his congregation, "All those wishing to have a place in heaven, please stand." The whole room stands up except, of course, the sleeping man. Then the preacher says even more loudly, "And he who would like to find a place in hell please stand up!" The weary man catching only the last part groggily stands up, only to find that he’s the only one standing. Confused and embarrassed he says, "I don’t know what we’re voting on here, Father, but it sure seems like you and me are the only ones standing for it!"
An Irish man walks into a bar. The bartender looks at him and notices he has a steering wheel stuck down the front of his pants. "Hey," he says, "What's with the steering wheel down your pants?" "Ach," says the Irish man, "it's drivin' me nuts!"
A man was in a bar all day and he had to use the bathroom. He was in there for a while, yelling, so the barmaid reluctantly went to the bathroom to check on him. "Sir, what are you yelling about? You're scaring the customers." "Every time I try to flush the toilet something keeps biting my balls!" "Sir, please get off the mop bucket."
Why did the Mexican push his wife off the cliff? Tequila