Beer: helping ugly people have sex since 3000 BC!
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A man sees a fine looking woman at a bar.
He steps over to her an says, "Hey baby, let me suck on your nipples."
She says, "Watch it buddy, I'll have my boyfriend kick your ass."
He laughs and says, "Alright, why don't I just give you a big sloppy kiss then."
She says, "Listen, if you say one more thing to me, I will have my man kill you."
"This is my final offer", he says, "I'll hold you upside-down, pour beer into your pussy, and drink from your cunt."
She gets up, walks over to her boyfriend, tells him this guy said he was going to lick her tits.
He yells, "I'll kill him!"
She then tells him he was going to kiss her.
By now he's pissed and starts walking in his direction.
She says, "Wait!
He also said he would hang me by my ankles, pour beer down my twat, and drink from me!"
Her boy friend stops and say's "Sorry babe, I can't fuck with anyone who can drink that much beer."
Q: Whats the difference between Amy Winehouse and Captain Morgan?
A: Captain Morgan comes alive when you add coke!
Every night after dinner, Harry took off for the local watering hole.
He would spend the whole evening there and always arrive home, well inebriated, around midnight each night.
He usually had trouble getting his key to fit the keyhole and couldn’t get the door open.
And, every time this happened, his wife would go to the door and let him in.
Then, she would proceed to yell and scream at him for his constant nights out and coming home in a drunken state.
But, Harry still continued his nightly routine.
One day, the distraught wife was talking to a friend about her husband’s behavior.
The friend listened and suggested, “Why don’t you treat him a little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don’t you give him some loving words and welcome him home with a kiss? Then, he might change his ways.”
The wife thought this might be a good idea.
That night, Harry took off again after dinner.
And, at about midnight, he arrived home in his usual condition.
His wife heard him at the door.
She quickly opened it and let Harry in.
Instead of beating him as she had always done, this time she took his arm and led him into the living room.
She sat Harry down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the foot stool, and took his shoes off.
Then, she went behind him and started to cuddle him a little.
After a short while, she whispered to Harry, “It’s pretty late, dear. I think we should go upstairs to bed now, don’t you think?”
Harry replied in his inebriated state, “Heck, I guess we might as well. I’ll get in trouble when I get home anyway!”
An Irish man walks into a bar.
The bartender looks at him and notices he has a steering wheel stuck down the front of his pants.
"Hey," he says, "What's with the steering wheel down your pants?"
"Ach," says the Irish man, "it's drivin' me nuts!"
A very inebriated lady walked into a bar shortly before closing time, sat at the bar and ordered, "Barbender, barbender, I would like a Martoutsy."
The bartender brought her a Martini, which she drinks in one gulp.
"Barbender, I would like another Martoutsy", again the bartender brought her a Martini.
By this time the lady is leaning heavily forward, barely able to hang on.
She called, "Barbender, your Martoutsys are giving me heartburn."
Patiently, the bartender came near her and said, "Lady, I am not a barbender, but a bartender, and what you have been drinking is not a Martoutsy, but a Martini, and finally, you do not have heartburn, your tits are hanging in the ashtray."
Q: What do you get when you mix English class with alcohol?
A: Tequila Mockingbird
A guy walks into a bar and sees a dog lying in the corner licking his balls.
He turns to the bartender and says, "Boy, I wish I could do that."
The Bartender replies, "You'd better try petting him first."
A female alcoholic walks into a bar that has a sign marked: "For Men Only."
"I'm sorry, ma'am," says the bartender.
"We only serve men in this place."
"That's OK, "she says, "I'll take one of them."
A man walks into a bar, and orders a beer.
As he sits there, the jar of nuts on the bar tells him what a nice shirt he is wearing.
Disturbed by this, he goes to the cigarette vending machine to buy a pack of smokes.
As he approaches the machine, it starts screaming and shouting at him.
He runs to the bar and explains this to the barman.
The barman apologizes and says "The peanuts are complimentary, but the cigarette machine is out of order"!