Don't trust atoms, they make up everything.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
Q: What is the show cesium and iodine love watching together? A: CSI
As an ion chromatography chemist I made this one up: Anions aren't negative, they're just misunderstood.
Q: What do chemists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms? A: A ferrous wheel.
Q: If H2O is the formula for water, what is the formula for ice? A: H2O cubed.
Q: What is the most important rule in chemistry? A: Never lick the spoon!
Helium walks into a bar. The bartender says "We don't serve noble gasses in here." Helium doesn't react.
Q: Anyone know any jokes about sodium? A: Na
Q: What do you do with a sick chemist? A: If you can't helium, and you can't curium, then you might as well barium.
Q: What did the scientist say when he found 2 isotopes of helium? A: HeHe