Q: What kind of bread do elves make sandwiches with? A: Why, shortbread of course!
One elf said to another elf, "We had Grandma for Christmas dinner". And the other elf said, "Really? We had turkey!"
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules: "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?" His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or not."
Yo' Mama's breath is so nasty, it makes onions cry.
A married couple go to a restaurant. A blonde waitress takes their order and returns several minutes later, carrying a plate with only a plain hamburger bun on it. The man asks, "Where's the burger?" The waitress lifts her arm and pulls out a burger from her armpit. "I was keeping it warm," she replies. The wife says, "Please cancel my hot dog order."
Girl, do you need to get your protein macros up? Because I'd gladly put my meat inside you.
Chuck Norris has his own protien powder. The ingriedients include: cocoa powder, stem cells, dodo egg protien, enriched uranium, LSD, and Vin Diesel.
Some people like to eat frogs' legs. Chuck Norris likes to eat lizard legs. Hence, snakes.
Q: What kind of music do elves like best? A: "Wrap" music!
How do elves greet each other? "Small world, isn't it?"
What do you call an elf who tells silly jokes? A real Christmas Card!