Q: What kind of bread do elves make sandwiches with?
A: Why, shortbread of course!
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One elf said to another elf, "We had Grandma for Christmas dinner".
And the other elf said, "Really? We had turkey!"
Chuck Norris doesn't use a coffee maker, he puts the coffee beans in his mouth and boils them with his rage.
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Q: What did the elf say was the first step in using a Christmas computer?
A: "First, YULE LOGon"!
Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices.
But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear.
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Q: Why did the elves spell Christmas N-O-E?
A: Because Santa had said, "No L!"
One particular Christmas season a long time ago Santa was ready for his Christmas run... but there were problems.
Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mother was coming to visit.
This stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where.
More stress.
Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.
So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whisky.
When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hid the bottle and there was nothing to drink.
In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.
He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.
Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door.
He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Isn't it just a lovely tree? Where would you like me to stick it?"
Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
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Q: What kind of money do elves use?
A: Jingle bills!
A: Who sings "Blue Christmas" and makes toy guitars?
A: Elfis!
A secretary for a foreign embassy was entertaining a wealthy ambassador at a very expensive restaurant in New York.
The ambassador was so enthralled by her beauty that he asked her to marry him.
The secretary knew she couldn't insult a foreign dignitary, so she decided to let him down easy.
"I'll only marry you under three conditions."
"Anything, anything," said the ambassador.
"First, you must buy me a 14-karat gold wedding band with a 72-karat diamond, along with a 28-inch studded matching necklace for our engagement."
The ambassador picked up his cell phone, called his personal accountant, and said, "Yes, yes, I buy, I buy!"
"Second, I want you to build me a 58-acre mansion in the richest part of the Hamptons, along with a 40-acre summer home in the sweetest vineyards of France."
The ambassador picked up his phone, called his personal brokers in New York and France, and said, "Yes, yes, I build, I build!"
The secretary knew she must think of a final request that would be impossible to live up to.
"Finally," she said. "I'll only marry you if you have a 10-inch penis."
A sad face befell the ambassador, and he cupped his face in his hands. After weeping, the ambassador slowly lifted his head and said, "Ok, ok, I cut, I cut!"