Q: Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato? A: The lettuce was a "head" and the tomato was trying to "ketchup"!
On a Roman warship, the galley boss looked over his slaves and shouted, "Today I have good news. All of you are getting extra food tonight." The slaves all looked at him in silence, except one decrepit old man in the back, who moaned, "Oh God, no, not again." A new slave next to him asked, "Why are you moaning?" "This only happens when the Captain's nephew wants to water ski."
Yo mamma so small she uses a Dorito for a hang lider.
Do people who run know that we're not food anymore?
Q: What is a banana's favorite gymnastic move? A: The splits!
"If we don't change the direction we're going, we're likely to end up at the wrong end." "People who go out of their way to help others have great taste." "An eye for an eye leaves everybody blind, but not hungry." "Don't give up though the pace seems slow, you may succeed at another morgue." "A journey of a hundred trillion cells begins with a single nibble." "The only difference between a big shot and a little shot is that the big shot takes longer to chew." "It's all right to have little butterflies in your stomach. In fact, I'd say a trip to the elementary school play is a wonderful idea." "You don't know what your appetite can get away with until you try. Or are tried." "If you carry your childhood with you, you should probably go the bathroom soon." "Never keep up with Joneses. Have them over for dinner." "Let your hook always be cast. In the pool where you least expect it, will be a very startled swimmer."
Chuck Norris once ate four 30lb bowling balls without chewing.
Why didn't the cannibal eat Mike Tyson? He thought he would give him a paunch!
Why are football stadiums always cool? "Because they're full of fans."
What did one dairy cow say to another? Got milk?
Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake." Caddy: "I don't think you can keep your head down that long."