Joke #1145

Fred: Thank you so much for lending me that money. I shall be everlastingly in your debt. Harry: That's what I'm afraid of!

Why do Jews watch porn backwards? Because their favorite part is when the hooker gives the money back.

My grandfather came from a very poor family. The only time he tasted meat was when he bit his tongue.

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman." The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?" The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped." The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put $50 in the poor box." The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn’t put any money in the poor box!" The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that’s the same as putting it in!"

Chuck Norris can pick "side" when flipping a coin.

The holiday season: A deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.

Hey, you wanna do a 68? You go down on me, and I'll owe you one.

Me: I just bought Tupacs of Eminems for 50 Cents. Friend: That's Ludacris. How Kanye West your money like that?

One night, Murphy was walking home when, all of a sudden, a thief jumped on him. Murphy and the thief began to wrestle. They rolled about on the ground and Murphy put up a tremendous fight. However, the thief managed to get the better of him and pinned him to the ground. The thief then went through Murphy’s pockets and searched him. All the thief could find on Murphy was 25 cents. The thief was so surprised at this that he asked Murphy why he had bothered to fight so hard for 25 cents. "Was that all you wanted?" Murphy replied, "I thought you were after the five hundred dollars I’ve got in me shoe!"

I asked the boss if I could get a raise, and he said, "Because of the fluctuational predisposition of your position's productive capacity as juxtaposed to the industry standards, it would be monetarily injudicious to advocate an increment." I said, "I don't get it." He said, "That's right."

I'm like Domino's Pizza. If I don't come in 30 minutes, the next one is free.