Fred: Thank you so much for lending me that money. I shall be everlastingly in your debt. Harry: That's what I'm afraid of!
‘We were kind of poor and my mother hated to spend a nickel on herself, so she bought most of her things in an army surplus store. She was the only woman in Cleveland wearing khaki lipstick.’ Bob Hope
A mink in the wardrobe often leads to a wolf at the door.
Q: What do the Jews hate most about the Holocaust? A: The cost.
An elderly retired couple went to a doctor. The man said, "We want to know if we are making love properly. Will you look at us?" "Go ahead," said the doctor. They made love. "You are making love perfectly," the doctor said. "That will be $10." They came back six weeks in a row and did the same thing. On the seventh visit the doctor said, "What are you coming here like this for - I told you that you are making love properly!" "She can't come to my house," said the man, "and I can't go to her house. A motel costs $20. You charge us $10 and we get $8 back from Medicare."
Getting money out of my father was like taking candy from a baby. He used to scream and cry like hell.
Q: How can you tell when the chief accountant is getting soft? A: When he actually listens to marketing before saying no.
‘A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.’ Bob Hope
Money is not everything. There’s also MasterCard and Visa.
Why is money called dough? Because we all knead it.
In Heaven: The cooks are French, The policemen are English, The mechanics are German, The lovers are Greek, The bankers are Swiss. In Hell: The cooks are English, The policemen are German, The mechanics are French, The lovers are Swiss, The bankers are Greek.