Joke #11456

What is the perfect Father's Day gift? Taking your Mom away on a vacation with you.

George went on a vacation to the Middle East with his family, including his mother-in-law. During their vacation in Jerusalem, George’s mother-in-law died. With the death certificate in his hand, George went to the American Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to the United States for a proper burial. The Consul told George that to send the body back to the United States for burial is very, very expensive. It could cost him as much as $5,000.00. The Consul told him, in most cases the person responsible for the remains normally decides to bury the body here in Jerusalem. This would only cost him $150.00. George thinks for some time and answers, "I don’t care how much it will cost to send the body back, that’s what I want to do." The Consul says, "You must have loved your mother-in-law very much considering the difference in price." "No, it’s not that," says George. "You see, I know of a case many, many years ago of a man that was buried here in Jerusalem. On the third day he arose from the dead! I just can’t take that chance!"

For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap! "Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!" "Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."

A Lalu brought a simple, spendthrift wife from a small town in Bihar. He convinced her that they should go for Honeymoon. The wife would not understand complex term as honeymoon and kept asking for explanation. Lalu said, "Let me feel you my manhood in Honeymoon and you would know." They went. Had lots of fun and came back. Wife back at home asked, "I still don’t understand what is this honeymoon that we went for." The Husband said, "Oh, we were together, had so many hugs, kisses, varieties of sex, jokes, fun all that is honeymoon." The spendthrift wife got angry, "You should have told me that before. Back in town, Malu, Kalu, Suru and I were together all the times, and had this fun without spending a dime of my money."

Three sisters decided to get married on the same day to save their parents the expense of separate weddings. As a further step to reduce the price tag, the three sisters resolved to spend their honeymoon night at home. Later that night, their mother couldn’t sleep, so she went to the kitchen for a cup of tea. On her way, she tiptoed by her oldest daughter’s bedroom and heard her screaming. The mother thought to herself, “That’s normal, especially on her wedding night.” She snuck by her second oldest daughter’s room and heard her laughing. “That’s normal too,” she said, smiling to herself. Finally, she slipped by her youngest daughter’s room where she didn’t hear a peep, but she thought nothing of it. The next morning in the kitchen, after the husbands had gone out, the woman asked her eldest daughter about last night’s noises. “Well Mom,” she replied, “you always said if it hurt I should scream.” “You’re absolutely right sweetheart, ”the mother assured her, turning to her middle daughter. “Now why were you laughing?” she asked. “You always said if it tickled, I could laugh,” she answered. “True enough, honey.” The mother smiled, remembering her newlywed days. “Now it’s your turn, baby,” she said turning to her youngest daughter. “Why was it so quiet in your room last night?” “Mom, don’t you remember? You always told me never to talk with my mouth full.”

Q: Why are redneck murders the hardest to solve? A: All the DNA matches and there's no dental records.

There were five brothers named somebody, nobody, anybody mad and brain. One day somebody and nobody were fighting, and just at that moment the anybody called police. The police picked up the phone, and said hello. Then Anybody: "Hello sir! I want to inform you that somebody is beating nobody." Police: "Sorry!" Anybody: "Sir somebody is beating nobody" Police: "Are you mad? Who are you? What's your name?" Anybody: "No, sir mad is dancing, I am anybody" Police: "Shut up you idiot. What are you saying? Where have your brain gone? Is it lost?" Anybody: "No, sir brain is not lost. Brain is in the bathroom."

Happy Father's Day! I got you a present but if you want to get technical then technically you bought it. By the way, can I borrow $20?

What's a moo hoo for a cow barn on a holiday? A merry dairy.

You have committed the grave tactical blunder of acquiring enough university credits to graduate. So now you're leaving college and embarking on the greatest adventure - and the biggest challenge - of your young lives: moving back in with your parents.

Happy Father's Day to someome who's been completely replaced in his marriage by Fifty Shades of Grey.