Q: Why did the hipster burn his tongue?
A: Because he ate his food before it was cool.
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What happened when the lion ate the comedian?
He felt funny.
Yo' Mama is so fat, she brought on world hunger.
Customer: "Waiter, there’s a fly swimming in my soup."
Waiter: "So what do you expect me to do, call a lifeguard?"
One elf said to another elf, "We had Grandma for Christmas dinner".
And the other elf said, "Really? We had turkey!"
Q: What do you get if you cross a fridge and a hipster playlist?
A: Cool music!
One day, Little Johnny overheard his parents fighting.
Later, he asked what "bitch" and "bastard" mean.
They explained that they mean "lady" and "gentleman."
The next day, he overheard his parents having sex.
He later asked what "penis" and "vagina" mean.
His parents explained that they refer to "hats" and "coats."
At supper the next day, Little Johnny's mom cut her finger in the kitchen and yelled, "Oh f**k!" Little Johnny asked what that meant, and she said it means "cut."
A week later, guests arrive for Thanksgiving dinner.
Little Johnny welcomes them at the door, saying, "Hello bitches and bastards! Hurry up with your penises and vaginas we can't wait to f**k the turkey!"
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Q: How did the wanna-be-hipster die?
A: Trying to cross the mainstream!
Q: Why are farmers cooler than Hipsters?
A: Farmers can go a day without their Pitchfork
Waiter: "How do you like your steak, sir?"
Sir: "Like winning an argument with my wife."
Waiter: "Rare it is."