My New Year's resolution is to stop hanging out with people who ask me about my New Year's resolutions.
Two friends talk: "Hi, what are you doing?" "Not much, writing a Valentine's Day greeting card." "Why are you writing it with your left hand? Are you left-handed?" "No, I just can't let my right hand to see it. It's a surprise for it."
My friend over there really wants your number so he knows where to get a hold of me in the morning.
It can buy a House But not a Home It can buy a Bed But not Sleep It can buy a Clock But not Time It can buy you a Book But not Knowledge It can buy you a Position But not Respect It can buy you Medicine But not Health It can buy you Blood But not Life So you see, Money isn't everything. And it often causes pain and suffering. I tell you all this because I am your Friend, and as your Friend I want totake away your pain and suffering... So send me all your money and I will suffer for you. A more true Friend you will never find.
Q: What does it mean if you were born in September? A: That your parents started the new year with a bang!
My New Years resolution is 1080p.
You don't think "The Simpsons" is all that funny, but you watch it because that Flanders fellow makes a lot of sense.
On New Year's Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living. Well, it was kind of embarrassing. As the clock struck, the bartender was almost crushed to death.
Chuck Norris keeps his friends close and his enemies closer. Close enough to drop them with one round house kick to the face.
Ring out the old, ring in the new, Ring, happy bells, across the snow: The year is going, let him go; Ring out the false, ring in the true.
Q: What do New Year's Parades have in common with Santa Claus? A: No one is awake to see either of them.