Joke #11617

My New Year's resolution is to stop hanging out with people who ask me about my New Year's resolutions.
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has 68.66 % from 45 votes. More jokes about: friendship, new year

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Crocodiles are easy. They try to kill and eat you. People are harder. Sometimes they pretend to be your friend first. - Steve Irwin (1962 - 2006)
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A New Year's resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.
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On New Year's Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living. Well, it was kind of embarrassing. As the clock struck, the bartender was almost crushed to death.
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has 78.67 % from 91 votes. More jokes about: bar, bartender, life, new year, time
If your born in September, its pretty safe to assume your parents started out the New Year with a Bang!
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Tom and Timothy were in the same regiment in the army. They were inseparable friends and spent their evenings drinking together. After retirement, they went to different states and settled. However, they kept correspondence through letters and e-mails. To keep the memory of their boozing bouts alive, Tom always filled two glasses with rum and water and sipped from each alternately! When somebody asked him why he did so, he explained: "This glass is Timothy's; this one is mine. So I take a sip from each - one on behalf of Timothy, the other for myself." Suddenly one evening Tom was seen with only one glass on his table. He was asked what had happened. He replied, "You see, I have given up drinking but Timothy has written that he has not. So I have put away my glass and drink only on behalf of my friend."
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has 81.19 % from 91 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, communication, friendship, military, old people
Mike: "Hey Joe. My girl friend always gets offended whenever I tell her jokes about bald people." Joe: "Is your girl friend bald?" Mike: "No. She"s a blonde."
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has 46.20 % from 22 votes. More jokes about: blonde, friendship, insulting, relationship, stupid
Jeff Bezos has invested $42 million to build a huge 500-foot tall underground clock that ticks once per year for 10,000 years. He did this because he overheard his wife talking to a friend, he thought she said she wished he had a larger clock...
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has 73.80 % from 64 votes. More jokes about: business, friendship, money, time, wife
My new year's resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my cup half-full with either rum, vodka, or whiskey.
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has 63.00 % from 24 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, new year
New Year's Resolutions for Internet Junkies... I will try to figure out why I *really* need 9 e-mail addresses. I will stop sending e-mail to my wife (husband). I resolve to work with neglected children -- my own. I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm with which I answer my e-mail. I will stop sending e-mail, ICQ, Instant Messages and be on the phone at the same time with the same person. I resolve to back up my 12GB hard drive daily...well, once a week... okay, monthly then...or maybe... I will spend less than one hour a day on the Internet. This, of course, will be hard to estimate since I'm not a clock watcher. When I hear "Where do you want to go today?" I will not reply "MS Tech Support." When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, "LOL... LOL!" I will read the manual... just as soon as I can find it. I will think of a password other than "password." I will stop checking my e-mail at 3:00 in the morning... 4:30 is much more practical. I resolve... I resolve to... I resolve to, uh... I resolve to, uh, get my, er... I resolve to, uh, get my, er, off-line work done, too!
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has 36.08 % from 32 votes. More jokes about: geek, IT, new year, technology
It can buy a House But not a Home It can buy a Bed But not Sleep It can buy a Clock But not Time It can buy you a Book But not Knowledge It can buy you a Position But not Respect It can buy you Medicine But not Health It can buy you Blood But not Life So you see, Money isn't everything. And it often causes pain and suffering. I tell you all this because I am your Friend, and as your Friend I want totake away your pain and suffering... So send me all your money and I will suffer for you. A more true Friend you will never find.
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has 75.11 % from 342 votes. More jokes about: friendship, mean, money, poems