Joke #11617

My New Year's resolution is to stop hanging out with people who ask me about my New Year's resolutions.
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I visited my new friend in his flat. He told me to make myself at home. So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.
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When I offer you food it's just because my mother raised me right. As a firend, read the truth in my eyes and politely decline.
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When my daughter asked me what to buy her friends for graduation presents. I suggested morning-after pills and bus passes.
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A New Year's resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.
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Today my stoner friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap. He was high on my list of priorities.
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A little bird was flying south for the Winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him. Morals of the story: 1. Not everyone who sh*ts on you is your enemy. 2. Not everyone who gets you out of sh*t is your friend. 3. And when you're in deep sh*t, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
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Q. How are fat girls and mopeds alike? A. They are fun to ride but you don't want your friends to find out.
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Q: What do you tell someone you didn't see at New Year's Eve? A: I haven't seen you for a year!
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'You're beautiful and I love you," I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied "I just want to be friends."
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My New Years resolution is 1080p.
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