My New Year's resolution is to stop hanging out with people who ask me about my New Year's resolutions.
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A cruise ship founders on a reef, and a man just manages to swim some miles and crawl up on a desert island.
After recovering from the ordeal, he begins to explore and finds to his great surprise (and pleasure) that the only other survivor of this terrible tragedy is Cindy Crawford.
They build a lean-to and find some food and water.
After a few weeks, it becomes clear that help is not on the way, so they start to get intimate.
The guy is clearly ecstatic for a couple of weeks, but one morning she awakes to find him moping under a tree.
"What's the matter?" Cindy says: "Is there anything I can do?"
"Well, I am a little shy about asking you," he replies: "But could you take some of that charcoal from the fire and paint a mustache on your face?"
"A mustache? Well... I... I suppose so", and she does it.
"Now, there's just one other thing. Can I call you Bob... like my friend?"
"Bob? Well... if it will make you feel better... all right."
"Great!" he cries, looks at her and says: "Bob! You're never gonna believe who I'm fucking!"
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Me: I just burned 2000 calories in 20 minutes.
Friend: How?
Me: I forgot to take my brownies out of the oven.
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Ring out the old, ring in the new,
Ring, happy bells, across the snow:
The year is going, let him go;
Ring out the false, ring in the true.
If your born in September, its pretty safe to assume your parents started out the New Year with a Bang!
Q: What do New Year's Parades have in common with Santa Claus?
A: No one is awake to see either of them.
My new year's resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my cup half-full with either rum, vodka, or whiskey.
Three guys, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish.
The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home.
The second guy wishes the same.
The third guy says "I’m lonely.
I wish my friends were back here."
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Chuck starts the new year by roundhouse kicking the old one.
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Three guys, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish.
The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home.
The second guy wishes the same.
The third guy says "I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here."
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