You don't have to wait until midnight to see my balls drop.
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Q: What does it mean if you were born in September?
A: That your parents started the new year with a bang!
My new year's resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my cup half-full with either rum, vodka, or whiskey.
Just heard someone bragging about his one night stand.
Whatever mate, I've got two night stands.
Either side of my bed.
In school, we had to do a skit demonstrating key concepts of the English language.
My skit on the "diphthong" clearly demonstrated that the string micro-bikini was not a wise choice.
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Did you hear the one about the cannibal who passed his brother in the jungle the other day?
Jimmy was staring at a dog in the park whilst the dog was licking himself in inappropriate parts and said to his dad, "I wish I could do that."
Jimmy's dad looked down at Jimmy and said, "Maybe if you ask the dog nicely, he might let you!"
Are you a candle?
Because I want to blow you.
Q: What do New Year's Parades have in common with Santa Claus?
A: No one is awake to see either of them.
Just got out of prison after attacking a man on New years eve.
Excuse me for getting nervous while an Arab was counting down from ten.
A Senator in the USA was once asked about his attitude toward whisky.
"If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I'm against it.
But if you mean the elixir of a New Year toast, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I'm for it.
This is my position, and I will not compromise."