You don't have to wait until midnight to see my balls drop.
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Just got out of prison after attacking a man on New years eve.
Excuse me for getting nervous while an Arab was counting down from ten.
Q: What does Barbie use as a tampon?
A: A Tic-Tac.
How do you stop a baby falling down a manhole?
Stick a javelin through it's head.
On New Year's Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready.
At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.
Well, it was kind of embarrassing.
As the clock struck, the bartender was almost crushed to death.
Q: What's the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?
A: One's a Goodyear. The other's a great year.
New Year's Resolutions for Internet Junkies...
I will try to figure out why I *really* need 9 e-mail addresses.
I will stop sending e-mail to my wife (husband).
I resolve to work with neglected children -- my own.
I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm with which I answer my e-mail.
I will stop sending e-mail, ICQ, Instant Messages and be on the phone at the same time with the same person.
I resolve to back up my 12GB hard drive daily...well, once a week... okay, monthly then...or maybe...
I will spend less than one hour a day on the Internet. This, of course, will be hard
to estimate since I'm not a clock watcher.
When I hear "Where do you want to go today?" I will not reply "MS Tech Support."
When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, "LOL... LOL!"
I will read the manual... just as soon as I can find it.
I will think of a password other than "password."
I will stop checking my e-mail at 3:00 in the morning... 4:30 is much more practical.
I resolve... I resolve to... I resolve to, uh... I resolve to, uh, get my, er...
I resolve to, uh, get my, er, off-line work done, too!
This woman walks into a tattoo parlor and asks for a tattoo of a christmas tree on her right inner thigh and a cocktail drink on her left inner thigh.
The tatoo artist say thats an unusual request. "Why do you want two tattoos there?"
So she says "Because my husband needs to eat between christmas and new years."
Ring out the old, ring in the new,
Ring, happy bells, across the snow:
The year is going, let him go;
Ring out the false, ring in the true.
A Male patient just recovered successfully from a sex threatening health attack.
He was wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose and laying on hospital bed.
An young nurse came to cleanse his body with sponge.
The patient mumbled, “Are my testicles black?”
Nurse replied, “I don’t know Sir, I am just setting you clean”
The patient repeated again, “Are my testicles black?”
Nurse was quite embarrassed to answer the question and said “Sir everything should be OK”
The patient just kept on asking again and again, “Are my testicles black?”
Nurse could not bear a patient concerned so much.
So she raised his gown, moved her hand to find and grab his penis and testicle, moved it all around, checked very closely and suddenly man ejaculated on nurse’s hand.
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, embarrassed at the fiasco says loudly enough, “Ma’am, Thanks but I still need to know 'Are my tests results back?’”
"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."
"What? Are you crazy?
The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!"
"I know all that."
"Then why did you invite a friend for supper?"
"Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."