Joke #11619

You don't have to wait until midnight to see my balls drop.

Q: What does it mean if you were born in September? A: That your parents started the new year with a bang!

Listening to censored hip-hop is like going to a whore for a hug.

Q: Whats the difference between a blonde and a mosquito? A: A mosquito stops sucking when you slap it...

Are you a shark? Cause I've got some swimmers for you to swallow.

Would you take a bullet for the last person you had sex with? Anything for the family.

Q: What did the banana say to the vibrator? A: "What are you shaking about, it's me she's going to eat."

There once was a farmer who was raising 3 daughters on his own. He was very concerned about their well being and always did his best to watch out for them. As they entered their late teens the girls dated, and on this particular evening all three of his girls were going out on a date. This was the first time this had occurred. As was his custom, he would greet the young suitor at the door holding his shotgun, not to menace or threaten but merely to ensure that the young man knew who was boss. The doorbell rang and the first of the boys arrived. Father answered the door and the lad said, "Hi, my name's Joe, I'm here for Flo. We're going to the show, is she ready to go?" The father looked him over and sent the kids on their way. The next lad arrived and said, "My name's Eddie, I'm here for Betty, we're gonna get some spaghetti, is she ready?" Father felt this one was okay too, so off the two kids went. The final young man arrived and the farmer opened the door. The boy started off, "Hi, my name's Chuck… --" and the farmer shot him.

My new year's resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my cup half-full with either rum, vodka, or whiskey.

My New Year's resolution is to stop hanging out with people who ask me about my New Year's resolutions.

What is the difference between mayonnaise and semen? Mayonnaise doesn't shoot down your throat at 40 miles per hour.