I don't understand why I'm single my hobbies include smelling my own hair and bragging about how I'm immune to bats.
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'You're beautiful and I love you," I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied "I just want to be friends."
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A really bad impressionist walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "Why the wrong face?"
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There once was this guy who was going on a date to the movies with a beautiful girl.
Before he went, he made the mistake of eating a jumbo can of beans.
Right after he picked her up, he felt the need to fart, but he figured he could wait until they got to the movies.
When they got there, he asked her if she wanted some popcorn and Coke.
She said sure, so he went to the restroom.
The line was long, so he went back to the lobby, got the food, and went back into the theatre.
When the movie was over, he goes to the bathroom again, still with a tremondously long line.
So he figures he can wait until he drops her off.
When they pull up into her driveway, she exclaims, "Oh goodie. My grandparents are here. Come on in and meet them."
He agrees, although his A-hole is about to cry at this point.
They go in and sit down at the table.
Finally, he couldn't hold it in any longer a tried to let it seep out a little at a time.
As he squeezed out a toxic blast, he aimed it towards the family's hound dog Duke, in hopes that they might blame the pooch for the horrendous fart.
The girl's father stands up and hollers "Duke!" and sits back down.
"Great!" he thought.
"They really think it's the dog!"
So, he starts bombarding the room with a couple, more powerful, louder stinkers.
Once again, the girl's father stands up, shouts "Duke!" and sits back down.
Finally, he lets it all go and the loudest most hair-curling fart you've ever heard or smelt rippled through the dining room.
The girl's father stands up again. "Duke, get the hell out from under him before he shits on you!"
A young boy had just gotten his driving permit.
He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it."
A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said, "Son, I'm real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your Bible diligently, but you didn't get hair cut!"
The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair."
His father replied, "Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!"
Little Lucy met Little Johnny after school and ask him, "Johnny do you you think I'm cute?"
Little Johnny looked at her from head to toe irritably and replied.
"Roses are red.
Your blood is too.
You look like a monkey.
And belong in a zoo.
Do not worry, I'll be there too.
Not in the cage, But laughing at you".
Q: What's the difference between me and a calendar?
A: A calendar has dates.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm pregnant and then I realize I would have to be like 19 months pregnant.
I was drinking my coffee in a coffeehouse when a beautiful girl came near my table and asked me:
"Are you alone?"
So I responded: "It's a long time that I'm alone."
"So do you mind me to take this chair?" said the girl.
I fainted...
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Q. What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
A. They're married.