I don't understand why I'm single my hobbies include smelling my own hair and bragging about how I'm immune to bats.
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'You're beautiful and I love you," I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied "I just want to be friends."
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Sometimes I wonder if I'm pregnant and then I realize I would have to be like 19 months pregnant.
Relationship Status: just tried to reach for my dog's paw and he pulled it away so I pretended I was reaching for the remote.
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Two old people flirt at a seniors' singles bar.
After a few drinks, the old man asks the old woman, "If I took you out for a full night of wining, dining and dancing, what would you wear?"
The old woman replies shyly, "Depends..."
"Depends on what?" he asks.
"On my bottom - where else?!"
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Wife: "Give me some money. I want to buy a bra."
Husband: "Why? You have nothing to put in it!"
Wife: "You wear shorts!"
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A man is in a mall and sees a clothes store.
He sees a magnificent, brand new jacket in the shop window and decides he shall try it on and buy it.
So he walks into the shop and asks an employee: "Excuse me sir."
"How can I help you" the employee replies.
"Could I by any chance try on that jacket in your shop window?"
The employee looks at him and says "No you shall not you are to try it on in the changing rooms like everybody else!"
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A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist.
The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window.
He immediately told her to undress.
After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh.
He asked her, “Do you know what I’m doing?”
“Yes,” she replied, “you’re checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities.”
“That is right,” said the doctor.
He then began to fondle her breasts.
“Do you know what I’m doing now?” he asked.
“Yes,” the woman said, “you’re checking for any lumps or breast cancer.”
“Correct,” replied the shady doctor.
Finally, he mounts his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her.
He asked, “Do you know what I’m doing now?”
“Yes,” she said. “You’re getting herpes; which is why I came here in the first place!”
"You're single and I'm single too! You know what that means?"
"What"
"We're both ugly!"
An engineer crosses a road when a frog calls out to him, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bends over, picks up the frog and puts it in his pocket.
The frog speaks up again and says, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The engineer takes the frog out of his pocket, smiles at it and returns it to the pocket.
The frog then cries out, "If you kiss me and turn me back, I'll do whatever you say!"
Again the engineer takes the frog out, smiles at it and puts it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asks, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, I'll stay with you for a month and do whatever you say. What more do you want?"
The engineer says, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool!"