Relationship Status: just tried to reach for my dog's paw and he pulled it away so I pretended I was reaching for the remote.
My girlfriend told me that will change me. I thought she was referring to the character, but she found a new boyfriend!
I was drinking my coffee in a coffeehouse when a beautiful girl came near my table and asked me: "Are you alone?" So I responded: "It's a long time that I'm alone." "So do you mind me to take this chair?" said the girl. I fainted...
Why fall in love when you can fall asleep?
Me: "I'm so lonely." Person: "Hey!" Me: "Leave me alone."
5 stages of being single: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, texting your ex something random then going like "sorry wrong message".
Why didn’t the internet get any e-mail? Because his e-dog kept chasing the e-postman.
Bro, send me some good jokes. Sorry, now I'm busy with my Girlfriend. Good One! Send me more.
Me: "Hey, don't assume I'm dying alone. I might find someone, you don't know." Waiter: "I asked if you were dining alone." Me: "Oh, sorry. Yes."
I just ended a long-term relationship today. I'm not too bothered, it wasn't mine.
This guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there. "You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the mutt replies. "So, what's your story?" The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired." The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says, "Ten dollars." The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him, so cheap?" The owner replies, "He's such a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff."