Joke #11670

Relationship Status: just tried to reach for my dog's paw and he pulled it away so I pretended I was reaching for the remote.

Why fall in love when you can fall asleep?

I was drinking my coffee in a coffeehouse when a beautiful girl came near my table and asked me: "Are you alone?" So I responded: "It's a long time that I'm alone." "So do you mind me to take this chair?" said the girl. I fainted...

Me: "I'm so lonely." Person: "Hey!" Me: "Leave me alone."

My girlfriend told me that will change me. I thought she was referring to the character, but she found a new boyfriend!

5 stages of being single: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, texting your ex something random then going like "sorry wrong message".

Being single is cool cause you can eat a whole jar of pepperoncinis and spend the rest of the night farting spicily into the abyss.

Single women claim that all the good men are married, while all married women complain about their lousy husbands. This confirms that there is no such thing as a good man. This confirms too, that women are always confused and don't know what they want.

Q: What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog? A: After a year the dog is still happy to see you.

Why were men given larger brains than dogs? A.So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties. B.So they wouldn't stop to play with every other man they see when you take them around the block.

A young man decided after 4 years of working nonstop at a decent paying job and saving the bulk of his earnings that perhaps it was time to settle down. He called up an old girlfriend from his high school days and she answered on the first ring. As they spoke and reminisced about old times she said to him "Wow, this has been great, I've really enjoyed speaking with you, but I must ask, where on earth did you find my number?" To which he replied "Honestly? I'm just as surprised as you are, I have been working as a jani tor in our old high school and just happened to see your number etched into the door of a boys bathroom stall! I'm amazed you still have the same number after all these years!" And she responded "Well, how else was I supposed to keep in touch with all the boys I used to sleep with?"