Relationship Status: just tried to reach for my dog's paw and he pulled it away so I pretended I was reaching for the remote.
My girlfriend told me that will change me. I thought she was referring to the character, but she found a new boyfriend!
Why fall in love when you can fall asleep?
Me: "I'm so lonely." Person: "Hey!" Me: "Leave me alone."
5 stages of being single: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, texting your ex something random then going like "sorry wrong message".
Friend: Dude, I can't stop dreaming about my crush. Me: Well imagine this... You're home alone, and your crush comes over to visit. Friend: Ok I can see it... Me: She walks into your room and you're just sitting there. Friend: Uh-huh.. I'm likin' this. Me: Ok. So she walks in front of you, takes her pants off. She's not wearing any underwear.. And then she sits on you. Friend: Oh-ho-hoo.. Whatta' naughty girl. Me: Yeah, ok. Don't get dirty on me. So she's sitting on you. And then... she starting shitting in you. Right then and there, you find out you're a toilet. Friend: I hate you...
'You're beautiful and I love you," I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied "I just want to be friends."
Q. What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common? A. They're married.
How do you make a cat be a dog? Pour gasoline on it and light it with a match. It will go 'WOOF.'
Thomas is 32 years old and he is still single. One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?" Thomas replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them." His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother." A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?" With a frown on his face, Thomas answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much." The friend said, "Then what's the problem?" Thomas replied, "My father doesn't like her."
I hear Taylor Swift's ex boyfriends are collabing on a new single called "Maybe You're The Problem".