Relationship Status: just tried to reach for my dog's paw and he pulled it away so I pretended I was reaching for the remote.
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Why fall in love when you can fall asleep?
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I was drinking my coffee in a coffeehouse when a beautiful girl came near my table and asked me:
"Are you alone?"
So I responded: "It's a long time that I'm alone."
"So do you mind me to take this chair?" said the girl.
I fainted...
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My girlfriend told me that will change me.
I thought she was referring to the character, but she found a new boyfriend!
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Me: "I'm so lonely."
Person: "Hey!"
Me: "Leave me alone."
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5 stages of being single: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, texting your ex something random then going like "sorry wrong message".
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Q: What do dogs do after they finish obedience school?
A: They get their masters.
A father and his 6-year-old son are walking down the street, and they come across two dogs having sex.
The boy is shocked by what he sees and asks his father "Daddy, what are they doing?"
The father, not wanting to lie to his son, says "they're just making a puppy."
"OK" says the son, and the father is relieved that he doesn't probe further.
The next day, the son bursts into his parents' room and sees them having sex.
The father jumps up and quickly covers himself.
Knowing he's in for an interesting talk, walks downstairs with him and they sit at the dining room table.
His son asks him "Daddy, what were you and mommy doing?"
Again, wanting to be honest with his son, he says "me and mommy were making a baby."
His son pauses for a moment, thinking, and then replies "flip mommy over, I want a puppy!"
Q: What do you call a lesbian with eight girlfriends?
A: An octopus.
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Happy Father's Day to the top three most likely candidates.
Being single is cool cause you can eat a whole jar of pepperoncinis and spend the rest of the night farting spicily into the abyss.
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