Q: How do you identify a bald eagle?
A: All his feathers are combed over to one side.
Similar jokes
See also best jokes rated by other visitors or new jokes.
Q: Why all men say "Ladies first"?
A: They want to watch their asses.
A Knight was getting ready for the crusade.
Ha turned to his friend and told him:
"My fiancée is the most beautiful girl in the world and I can't imagine her being with someone else, while I'm gone. You're my best friend and I trust you. Here's the key for her chastity belt. In case I never get back, unlock her and set her free."
When the crusade Knights were a mile away from the village, the Knight gets an urgent message:
"Mate, You Gave Me The Wrong Key!"
Birdie, birdie in the sky
Dropped some white stuff in my eye,
I'm a big girl I won't cry,
I'm just glad that cows don't fly.
Vote:
Q: What is a duck's favorite TV show?
A: The feather forecast!
Chuck Norris often walks on Bikini Atoll during tests to get a tan.
Vote:
A man is driving happily along when he is pulled over by the police.
The copper approaches him and politely asks, "Have you been drinking, sir?"
"Why?" snorts the man.
"Is there a fat bird in my car?"
A guy decides that maybe he'd like to have a pet and goes to a pet shop.
After looking around he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch; it doesn't have any feet or legs.
The guy says out loud, "Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"
"I was born this way," says the parrot. "I'm a defective parrot."
"Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me."
"I understand every word," says the parrot. "I am a highly intelligent and thoroughly educated bird."
"Yeah?" the guy asks. "Then answer this: how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"
"Well," the parrot says, "this is a little embarrassing, but since you asked, I will tell you. I wrap my little parrot penis around this wooden bar, kind of like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."
"Wow," says the guy, "you really can understand and answer; can't you?"
"Of course. I speak both Spanish and English. I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any subject: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. And I am especially good at ornithology. You should buy me; I am a great companion."
The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag.
He says. "I can't afford that."
"Pssst," the parrot hisses, motioning the guy over with one wing. "Nobody wants me because I don't have any feet. You can get me for $20.00; just make an offer."
The guy offers twenty dollars and walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by and the parrot is sensational.
He's funny; he's interesting; he's a great pal, he understands everything, sympathizes, and gives good advice.
The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says, "Pssst," and motions him over with one wing.
The guy goes up close to the cage.
"I don't know if I should tell you this or not," says the parrot, "but it's about your lover and the mailman."
"What?" asks the guy.
"Well," the parrot says, "when the mailman came to the door today, your lover greeted him in a pair of briefs that showed everything and kissed him on the mouth."
"What happened then?" asks the guy.
"Then the mailman came into the house and put his hand on your lovers crotch and began petting him all over," reports the parrot.
"My God!" the guy says. "Then what?"
"Then he pulled down the briefs, got down on his knees and began to lick him, starting with his chest, slowly going down and down."
The parrot pauses for a long time...
"What happened? What happened?" says the frantic guy.
"That's what pisses me off. I don't know." said the parrott. "I got a hard-on, and fell off my fucking perch."
H - "Hello?"
W - "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
H - "Yes."
W - "Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful mink coat. It's absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"
H - "What's the price?"
W - "Only $1,500.00."
H - "Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much..."
W - "Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2001 models.
I saw one I really liked.
I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really good price...and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..."
H-"What price did he quote you?"
W - "Only $60,000..."
H - "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
W - "Great! But before we hang up, something else..."
H - "What?"
W - "It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and...I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year.
It's on sale!!
Remember?
The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property."
H - "How much are they asking?"
W - "Only $450,000 - a magnificent price...and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover..."
H - "Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?"
W - "OK, sweetie...Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"
H - "Bye...I love u too..."
The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap, and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those present: "Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
'You're beautiful and I love you," I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied "I just want to be friends."
Vote: