You don't think "The Simpsons" is all that funny, but you watch it because that Flanders fellow makes a lot of sense.
It can buy a House But not a Home It can buy a Bed But not Sleep It can buy a Clock But not Time It can buy you a Book But not Knowledge It can buy you a Position But not Respect It can buy you Medicine But not Health It can buy you Blood But not Life So you see, Money isn't everything. And it often causes pain and suffering. I tell you all this because I am your Friend, and as your Friend I want totake away your pain and suffering... So send me all your money and I will suffer for you. A more true Friend you will never find.
Q: Why do Republican tax cuts always expire in ten years or less? A: They want to make them thirty but keep running out of fingers.
Q: What do you call a Republican politician who hasn't been connected to a gay sex scandal? A: Due.
Five friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to go for a picnic and party with some friends up there. They had a great time. However, after all the partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to College until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it. They explained that they had gone to an Old age home in the nearest town to spend some time with aged people for the weekend with the plan to come back and study but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time. As a result, they missed the final. The Professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day. The guys were elated and relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, worth 5 points. It was the easiest question in their entire syllabus. "Cool," they thought at the same time, each one in his separate room. "This is going to be easy." Each finished the problem and then turned the page. On the second page was written: (For 95 points): Which tire?
One day, a guy walks into a pub and orders a beer. His friend walks up and sees his red eyes and asks, "Dude, are you okay? You look exhausted". He replies,"Yeah, I heard about what happened in your house yesterday too. Tough." His friend says, "Yeah, I wish I could trust my wife a little more - wait... How did you know about that?" He says,"I was there" and continues chugging his beer.
Donald Trump is a vain, arrogant, hateful pig. That's why Americans voted him in - he's just like them.
A Serb and an Albanian from Kosovo found a lamp, rubbed it and the Ginnie showed up in front of them. "I will grant you three wishes for setting me free out of this lamp. But, since there are two of you, one can have two wishes and the other only one". A Serb said: "I am very modest, I'll have one wish. Let my Albanian friend have two". "What is your first wish?", the Ginnie asked Albanian. "I wish that there are no Serbs in Kosovo at all any more". "Done", said the Ginnie. " What is your second wish?" "I wish that whole of Kosovo is surrounded with high wall, so no more Serbs can return ever again". " Done", said the Ginnie. "Now you", sad the Ginnie to a Serb, "What is that you wish?". A Serb was thinking for a moment, than asked the Ginnie: "Are there realy no more Serbs in Kosovo at all?". "That's right", said the Ginnie. "And whole of Kosovo is surrounded with high wall?", a Serb asked again. "It certainly is. All around. Not even a fly could enter it now", the Ginnie replied. Then Serb said: "OK, now fill it up with water""
Q: How do you keep a Republican busy for a week? A: Turn on the spell checker.
Q: Why did the Republican cross the road? A: There was a black guy on the first side.
Mike: "Hey Joe. My girl friend always gets offended whenever I tell her jokes about bald people." Joe: "Is your girl friend bald?" Mike: "No. She"s a blonde."