Q: Why do Republicans avoid living on the West Coast? A: They're scared to live that close to the edge of the Earth.
I really do have a soft spot for my MIL. It's out in the garden behind the garage.
There's a rumor that Steve Jobs, has been a Buddhist, has been reincarnated as a factory worker on a sweatshop assembly line in China.
When we moved to the US I was 8 years old. I remember asking my father if I can have an allowance? When he asked me what that was, I said you're allowed to give me money.
Q: Why is Santa always so jolly when he comes to the UK? A: He can claim Gift Relief.
The war with Japan would have ended sooner, but the allies decided that dropping Chuck Norris on Hiroshima would be a crime against humanity.
Patient to doctor: "On the top of your prescription these words are printed: We treat; God Cures. If so, would I give the fee to you or shall I send it to God?" Doctor: "Pay me. I will send it."
Texan: "Where are you from?" Harvard Graduate: "I come from a place where we do not end sentences with prepositions." Texan: "Okay — where are you from, jackass?"
Q: What do you call a terrorist attack in the Middle East? A: A Selfie!
Q: In what way are Democrats more generous than Republicans? A: Unlike Republicans, Democrats are not only generous with their own money, but also with other people's money.
Q: How big is a Republican-size bed? A: Wide enough for the man, the woman, and the ten-foot pole.