Joke #13908

My friend thinks that onion is the only fruit that can make us cry. So I just threw the coconut up to his head, he cried then.

My wife just nudged me and said, "you weren't even listening, were you?". I thought, 'that's a strange way to start a conversation'.

Two friends run into each other while walking their dogs. One suggests lunch. The other says, "They won't let us in a restaurant with pets." Undeterred, the first guy and his German shepherd head into the restaurant. The maître d' stops them, saying, "Sir, you can't bring your dog in here." "But I'm blind," the man replies, "and this is my guide dog." The maître d', apologizing profusely, shows both man and dog to a table. His friend waits five minutes, then tries the same routine. "You have a Chihuahua for a guide dog?" the skeptical maître d' says. "A Chihuahua?" the man says. "Is that what they gave me?"

I love in horror movies how the person yells out "Hello?!" as if the killer is gonna say "Yeah I'm in the kitchen, want a sandwich?"

Two Italian men get on a bus... They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following: "Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time." "You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!" "Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

Mum: "How would you describe me?" Dad: "ABCDEFGHIJK" Mum: "What does that mean?" Dad: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, funny, graceful, helpful, intelligent." Mum: "What about JK?" Dad: "Just Kidding."

Wife: "Give me some money. I want to buy a bra." Husband: "Why? You have nothing to put in it!" Wife: "You wear shorts!"

Me: "I love you." You: "Is that you or the wine talking?" Me: "It's me talking to the wine."

I play the worlds most dangerous sport. I disagree with my wife.

I told my wife that a man is like a fine wine... I always get better with age. The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar.

A man is watching TV supping the fourth can from his six pack. "Don't go", he suddenly yells at the screen. "Do not enter that building. Turn around and walk away. Aargh, you stupid man." His wife calls from the kitchen, "what on earth are you watching?" "Our wedding video," he bravely answers.