My girlfriend is like February 30th, she doesn't exist.
A boyfriend asks his girlfriend: "What gift would you like to receive during the St. Valentine's Day?" "Well, I don't know" she answers shyly. "OK, that I give you another year to think about it…"
Yo mama so fat when she tossed in her sleep she woke up in another time zone.
Bro, send me some good jokes. Sorry, now I'm busy with my Girlfriend. Good One! Send me more.
A kid walks up to his teacher and says "When is lunch." The teacher said "When its my break." "Your break for what? the kid asks. "My break up" the teacher said.
Mike: "Hey Joe. My girl friend always gets offended whenever I tell her jokes about bald people." Joe: "Is your girl friend bald?" Mike: "No. She"s a blonde."
A couple have not been getting along for years, so the husband thinks, "I'll buy my wife a cemetery plot for her birthday." Well, you can imagine her disappointment. The next year, her birthday rolls around again and this time he doesn't get her anything. She says, "Why didn't you get me a birthday present!?" He replies, "You didn't use what I got you last year!"
A young man decided after 4 years of working nonstop at a decent paying job and saving the bulk of his earnings that perhaps it was time to settle down. He called up an old girlfriend from his high school days and she answered on the first ring. As they spoke and reminisced about old times she said to him "Wow, this has been great, I've really enjoyed speaking with you, but I must ask, where on earth did you find my number?" To which he replied "Honestly? I'm just as surprised as you are, I have been working as a jani tor in our old high school and just happened to see your number etched into the door of a boys bathroom stall! I'm amazed you still have the same number after all these years!" And she responded "Well, how else was I supposed to keep in touch with all the boys I used to sleep with?"
Yo momma is so stupid she stared at an orange juice container for 2 hours because it said concentrate.
I've spent the past two years looking for my ex-girlfriend's killer... but no one will do it.
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like both." "Both?" Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the plant and get some work done."