My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.
How much do I owe Yo' Mama? My dog came home happy last night.
A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, “Harry what is your problem?” Harry answered, “I’m too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I’m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!” The teacher had had enough. She took Harry to the principal’s office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. The teacher agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test. Principal: “What is 3 x 3?” Harry: “9″. Principal: “What is 6 x 6?” Harry: “36″. And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, “I think Harry can go to the third-grade.” The teacher says to the principal, “Let me ask him some questions?” The principal and Harry both agree. The teacher asks, “What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?” Harry, after a moment, “Legs.” Teacher: “What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?” The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question! Harry replied, “Pockets.” Teacher: “What does a dog do that a man steps into?” Harry: “Pants” Teacher: "What’s starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?" Harry: Coconut The principal’s eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry was taking charge. Teacher: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?" Harry: "Bubblegum" Teacher: "What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?" The principal’s eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer. Harry: "Shake hands" Teacher: "Now I will ask some “Who am I sort of questions, okay?" Harry: "Yep." Teacher: "You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do." Harry: "Tent" Teacher: "A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you’re bored. The best man always has me first." Principal was looking restless and bit tense. Harry: "Wedding Ring" Teacher: "I come in many sizes. When I’m not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good." Harry: "Nose" Teacher: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver." Harry: "Arrow" Teacher: "What word starts with an ‘F’ and ends in ‘K’ that means a lot of excitement?" Harry: "Firetruck" The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, “Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I missed the last ten questions myself.”
An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well-dressed middle-aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?" The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?" The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired." The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!" The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier. An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."
A guy walks into a bar with a dog under his arm, puts the dog on the bar and announces that the dog can talk and that he has $100 he's willing to bet anyone who says he can't. The bartender quickly takes the bet and the owner looks at the dog and asks, "What's the thing on top of this building which keeps the rain from coming inside?" The dog answers "ROOF." The bartender says, "Who are you kidding? I'm not paying." The dogs owner says, "How about double or nothing and I'll ask him something else". The bartender agrees and the owner turns to the dog and asks, "Who was the greatest ballplayer of all time". The dog answers with a muffled "RUTH." With that the bartender picks them both up and throws them out the door. As they bounce on the sidewalk the dog looks at his owner and says "DiMaggio?".
A pianist was hired to play background music for a movie. When it was completed he asked when and where he could see the picture. The producer sheepishly confessed that it was actually a porn film and it was due out in a month. A month later, the musician went to a porn theatre to see the adult movie. With his collar up and dark glasses on, he took a seat in the back row of the adult cinema, next to a couple who also seemed to be in disguise. The movie was even raunchier than he had feared, featuring group sex, S/M, bondage and even a dog. After a while watching the adult movie, the embarrassed pianist turned to the couple and said, "I'm only here to listen to the music." "Yeah?" replied the man. "We're only here to see our dog."
A man walks into a bar, after buying a beer he looks around the bar and sees three men and a dog playing cards. Amazed, the man wanders over and starts watching the game. Aftere watching the game for ten minutes, the man leans over to one of the other player's and whispers " Wow, that's a really smart dog!". The man whispers backs "He isn't that smart, every time he gets a good hand, he wags his tail!"
A blind man with a guide dog comes to a town square, takes the dog by the tail and starts whirling him around. „What on earth are you doing?!" asks a passer-by. The blind man replies, „Nothing, just looking around a bit."
What do you get if you cross a cow with a spaniel, a poodle, and a rooster? A cockerpoodlemoo.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
I am a dog And you are a flower. I lift my leg up And give you a shower.