Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera?
Just when it's getting interesting, they're finished until next time.
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A man ask his wife, "What would you do if I won the lottery?"
Wife says, "I would take half and leave you".
Man says, "Great! I have won a tenner, here a fiver now f*ck off!
Ones the bus was full of people.
A man looks at a lovely girl, she looks at him, he smiled, she did so, he told her get off at the next station, she did, he took her place.
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking a round with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"Hunting flies," He responded.
"Oh, killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, three males, two females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked, How can you tell?
He responded, "Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone."
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.
Men are divided into two groups: 50% are wise and 50% have married.
"Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, even how to invest in the stock market," said the man.
"Sounds like you may be bitter because she changed you so drastically," remarked his friend.
"I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough for me."
Men are like.....Lawn Mowers.
If you're not pushing one around, then you're riding it.
Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.
How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?
Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.
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