Q: Why are men so happy?
A: Because ignorance is bliss.
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What usually happens when a man puts his best foot forward?
It ends up in his mouth.
What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
Make him wear shoes.
Women need a reason to have sex - men just need a place.
Six nuns are washing themselves all together when the doorbell rings.
One nun goes to the door and says 'who is it?'
An elderly gentleman replies "It's the blind man from the village" so the nun shouts to the others, "don't worry it's just the blind man from the village, I'll let him in."
She lets him in and goes "how can we help?"
The gent replies "I'm just going to go measure your blinds, but nice tits"
They put one man on the moon.
Why can’t they put them all there?
(A) You are not Tom Cruise,
(B) The guns may stop working at the last moment,
(C) The Enemy is 1000 times intelligent than you,
(D) Your family might not like the amount of compensation on your behalf
(E) Just remember, "the safest way to win over your enemies is by making them your friends!"
Men are like.....Lawn Mowers.
If you're not pushing one around, then you're riding it.
Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half time.
A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest.
After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!".
The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"