What do you call a man with half a brain? Gifted.
What's the quickest way to lose 190 pounds of ugly fat? Divorce him.
Five Important Qualities 1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job. 2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh. 3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you. 4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you. 5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other.
Question: Why do men die before their wives? Answer: Because they want to.
A man walks into a bar and says "Ow!" A second man walks into the same bar. You would think after the first one hit it, the second one would have seen it coming.
HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN Compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, wine and dine her, buy gifts for her, listen to her, respect her, stand by her, support her, go to the ends of the earth for her. HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN Arrive naked... with beer.
Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
How many men does it take to screw a light bulb? A. One - men will screw anything. B. One - men will screw up anything. C. Five - one to actually do the screwing, four to listen to him brag about it.
Why are men like laxatives? They can irritate the s**t out of you.
What's the biggest difference between men and women ? Men are crabby all month long.
I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'Have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.