Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton are on the same plane. The plane crashes. Who survives? America.
Your mama's so fat the government forced her to wear tailights and blinkers so no one else would get hurt.
When the President pushes the big red button, Chuck Norris's cell phone rings.
Yo mama's so fat that even Barack Obama couldn't afford to take her out to dinner.
Q: What do you call a Democratic buffet? A: A free for all.
George W. Bush and Bill Clinton both decided to have biographies written about them. George called him "The Three Most Powerful Men - Bush, Dick, and Colon". Bill called his "Sex Between the Bushes"
Hillary Clinton isn't taking the loss very well. So I said to her, Cheer up! At least you won't have to work at the same desk that Monica spent so much time under.
If Chuck Norris were president, he would protect the secret service.
Russian President Putin called President George W. Bush with an emergency: "Our largest condom factory has exploded," the Russian President cried. "My people's favorite form of birth control. This is a true disaster!" "Mr. Putin, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you," replied the President. "I do need your help" said Putin. "Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms as soon as possible to tide us over?" "Why certainly! I'll get right on it,"said Bush. "Oh, and one more small favor, please?" said Putin. "Yes?" "Could the condoms be red in color and at least 10" long and 4" in diameter?" said Putin. "No problem," replied the President. Mr. Putin hung up and started laughing with his aides about how those stupid Americans will fall for anything. George hung up and called the President of a condom company. "I need a favor, you've got to send 1,000,000 condoms right away over to Russia." "Consider it done," said the president of the condom company. "Great! Now listen, they have to be red in color, 10" long and 4" wide." "Easily done. Anything else?" "Yeah," said the President, "print 'Made in America, size small' on each one!"
Chuck Norris doesn't run for President; the President runs for Vice God Chuck Norris.