Q: What is brown, small, and smells of caramel? A: A diabetic who's been struck by lightning.
Dr. Dave had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it he just couldn't. The guilt was overwhelming. But every once in a while he would hear in internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Dave don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of his patients and you won't be the last. Just let It go Dave." But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality whispering: "Dave... Daaaave... you're a veterinarian you sick bastard!"
This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew I'd like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London. We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic. If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire. If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off. If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you. That's me your captain, the co-pilot, and one of the air stewardesses. This is a recorded message. Have a good flight!
Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver.
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
"Doctor, please, my son ate some cement. What can I do?" "First of all, don't give him anything to drink."
Q: What's the hardest part about eating a vegetable? A: Getting her out of the wheelchair.
A woman visits the doctor as she has some abdominal pains and suspects she may be pregnant. After her examination, the doctor comes out to see her: "Well, I hope you like changing nappies/diapers". She replies: "Oh my god am I pregnant, am I pregnant!?" To which he responds: "No, you've got bowel cancer."
How can you tell if you have acne? If the blind can read your face.
Doctor to Patient: "Don’t worry about your heart. It will function as long as you live."
Q: What has 2 arms, 3 legs, and 4 feet? A: The finish line at the Boston Marathon.