How can you tell if you have acne? If the blind can read your face.
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
"Doctor, please, my son ate some cement. What can I do?" "First of all, don't give him anything to drink."
Q: What's the hardest part about eating a vegetable? A: Getting her out of the wheelchair.
A woman visits the doctor as she has some abdominal pains and suspects she may be pregnant. After her examination, the doctor comes out to see her: "Well, I hope you like changing nappies/diapers". She replies: "Oh my god am I pregnant, am I pregnant!?" To which he responds: "No, you've got bowel cancer."
Doctor to Patient: "Don’t worry about your heart. It will function as long as you live."
There are only two things to worry about: Either you are well, or you are sick. If you are well, then there is nothing to worry about. But if your sick, there are two things to worry about. Either you will get well, or you will die. If you get well, there is nothing to worry about. But if you die, there are only two things to worry about. Either you will go to heaven or hell. If you go to heaven, there is nothing to worry about. But if you go to hell, you'll be so damn busy shaking hands with friends, you won't have time to worry.
Did you hear about the Easter egg hunt for the Alzheimer's patients? They hid their own eggs!
How do you know Charles Sweeney was dyslexic? He wanted to order the flaming saganagi, but he accidentally ordered a flaming Nagasaki.
Patient: "Doctor, my son has swallowed a pen. What can I do?" Doctor: "Use a pencil till I come to see your son."
One of my friends returned from Afghanistan and I asked him if he is going to the party tomorrow. He said he can't walk.