Parents: "Why are you welcoming guests in your underwear? "
Me: "Hated me to take off my underwear."
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My mother in law was complaining about her dentures to me.
She told: "Whenever I get overweight it'll be a stench; when I make myself thin it would be stretched; when something squeezes in it then I 'll faint from enjoyment!"
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I was sat with my wife while she sipped on her glass of wine, when she said, "I love you so much, you know. I don't know how I could ever live without you."
I said, "Is that you or the wine talking?"
She said, "It's me talking to the wine.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Cash.
Cash who?
Yes! I've always known you were a bit nutty!
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Most of our music store customers have a story about their old vinyl collection.
Once, a man asked how much a record cost.
My coworker quoted him the price, then added, "But there's a surcharge if we have to listen to how your mother made you throw out all your old vinyl records."
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KFC in Asia?
Korean fried cat.
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Me driving by a Taco Bell.
Sign: Now Hiring Managers.
Two weeks later:
Sign: Now Hiring Managers. Background Checks Required.
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Q: What would it be a good idea for you to do after a man takes your wife?
A: Let him keep her!
Q: How do you circumcise a redneck?
A: You kick his sister in the jaw.
A wife says, "Hey! Look at that funny guy who's been drinking a lot."
The husband responds, "Who is he?"
The wife answers, "Well, five years ago, he was my boyfriend and I denied him for marriage."
"Oh my God! He's still celebrating his freedom!" says the husband.
A man is watching TV supping the fourth can from his six pack.
"Don't go", he suddenly yells at the screen.
"Do not enter that building. Turn around and walk away. Aargh, you stupid man."
His wife calls from the kitchen, "what on earth are you watching?"
"Our wedding video," he bravely answers.
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