Joke #11551

How come there aren't that many jokes about Jim Jones? The punchlines are too long.

A guy and a girl are roommates in college. The girl goes to a frat party, brings home another guy, fucks him, and then decides the next morning that she likes her roommate and therefore it's not going to work out. After her fling left, her roommate came up to her and: Him: "I think I found my soulmate in you..." Her: "Really?!" Him: "Yeah... uh... that guy you brought home last night?" Her: "Oh yeah. I don't care about him anymore." Him: "Great! So he's available?"

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him ina typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is. “Top of the mornin’ to yer, sir” says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick “hello” and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground. “What are those?, asks the attendant. “They’re called tees” replies Tiger. “Well, what on the god’s earth are dey for?” inquires the Irishman. “They’re for resting my balls on when I’m driving”, says Tiger. “Fookin Jaysus”, says the Irishman, “BMW thinks of everything!”

Wife: "There's something preying on my mind." Husband: "Don't worry, it'll soon die of starvation."

"I felt a lump in my mouth as the ball went in." - Terry Venables.

What four animals does a woman like to have in her house? A tiger in bed, a mink in her closet, a jaguar in her garage and a jackass to pay for it all.

Did you know if you look in the mirror it's the biggest joke ever.

Q: Did you hear Lorena Bobbitt was almost killed in a traffic accident? A: Some dick cut her off.

When Chuck Norris comes into your house, you are the guest.

My wife told me, "Don't get upset if someone calls you fat." "You're much bigger than that."

Yo mama's so stupid when she cries for help she says "come here please".