Joke #1300

What did Abe Lincoln say after a 3 day drunk? "I set WHO free?"

Marge was cheating on her husband with another man when they heard a noise on the stairs. "Oh, my God, your husband is home! What am I going to do?" "Just stay in bed with me. He's probably so drunk, he's not going to notice you." Sure enough, Marge's husband crawled into bed, but as he pulled up the covers, he exposed six feet. "Honey!" he yelled. "What the hell is going on? I see six feet at the end of the bed!" "Dear, you're so drunk, you can't count. If you don't believe me, count them again." The husband got out of bed and counted. "One, two, three, four. By damn, you're right, dear."

A guy walks into a bar and announces that he can close his eyes and name what kind of alcohol he is drinking and how old it is, just by taste and smell. A drunken guy at the bar says, "I bet I can give you a drink that you can't name." "You're on," replies the guy, "as long as you pay." So the drunken guy puts a drink on the table. The guy sips it, gags and spits it out. "This tastes like piss!" "Yeah," says the drunken guy, "now guess how old I am."

A drunk guy took a cat home to his wife and said: "See... here is the a monkey of the jungle." His wife said laughing, "That's a CAT ..." He said back to his wife, "I am talking to the cat!"

Yo mamma so black when she gets in the car the oil light turns on.

A professor travels to Africa to live with a primitive tribe and spends years with them, teaching them all about the wonders of science and mathematics. He makes friends with the tribe's chief and his wife and they all live happily for some time. One day the chief's wife gives birth to a white child. The word spreads and the entire tribe is in shock. The chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look, you are the only white man we've ever seen around here, and my wife gave birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!" The professor replied, "No, chief, you're mistaken. What we have here is a natural occurrence what we in the civilized world call an albino! Look at that field over there. All the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion." The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Tell you what. You don't say anything more about that sheep and I won't say anything more about the white kid."

There is 5 niggers in a Cadilac. They drive off the Grand Cannon. What is sad about this story? A Cadilac seats 6 niggers.

Q: What's faster then a black guy running down the street with your TV? A: His brother behind him with the VCR.

A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place: Man: What's the problem officer? Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone. Man: No sir, I was going 65. Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.) Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light. Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light! Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.) Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt. Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car. Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt. Man: Shut your mouth, woman! Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way? Wife: No, only when he's drunk.

What do you call one black on the moon? Problem. What do you call ten blacks on the moon? Problems. What do you call the entire black population on the moon? Problem solved.

Q: What happens when you stick you hand in a jar of jellybeans? A: The black ones steal your watch.