I just wanted you to know that somebody cares. Not me, but somebody does.
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My mother in law was complaining about her dentures to me.
She told: "Whenever I get overweight it'll be a stench; when I make myself thin it would be stretched; when something squeezes in it then I 'll faint from enjoyment!"
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Single and ready to get nervous around anyone I find attractive.
Chuck Norris doesn't daydream.
He's too busy giving other people nightmares.
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You know who's mad at Kobe?
Every other player in the NBA.
You know why?
Cause he messed around on his wife and bought her a $4 million ring.
Yeah, you know what that means: that's the new minimum.
Cause you know how women are, man.
Women get upset: "Oh, really, what's this? A $1 million ring? What - did that bitch get my $3 million, too?"
"Honey, on this Valentine's Day, I want to tell you something... I'm not rich like Jack, I don't have a mansion like Russell, or I don't have a Porsche like Martin, but I do love you and want to marry you."
"Oh, dear... I love you too... but, what was that you said about Martin?"
Q: How many Asian girls does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None, 'cause they couldn't reach it.
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I play the worlds most dangerous sport.
I disagree with my wife.
I got so fed up with trick or treaters at Halloween that in the end I turned the lights out and pretended I wasn't in.
Forget the ships.
My lighthouse, my rules...
Q: What is the difference between your cock, and your bonus?
A: Your wife will always blow your bonus!