I just wanted you to know that somebody cares. Not me, but somebody does.
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Me: "I love you."
You: "Is that you or the wine talking?"
Me: "It's me talking to the wine."
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Yo mama so ugly that her mom only fed her with a sling shot.
My wife's cooking is so bad we usually pray after our food.
Q: What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
A: The location of the dirtbag.
I was walking through the cemetery the other day when a thought crossed my mind.
Call me a sentimental old fool if you like, but I couldn't resist it.
I texted my ex saying 'wish you were here'.
Chuck Norris doesn't daydream.
He's too busy giving other people nightmares.
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One day, a guy walks into a pub and orders a beer.
His friend walks up and sees his red eyes and asks, "Dude, are you okay? You look exhausted".
He replies,"Yeah, I heard about what happened in your house yesterday too. Tough."
His friend says, "Yeah, I wish I could trust my wife a little more - wait... How did you know about that?"
He says,"I was there" and continues chugging his beer.
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Q: How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: One to screw it in and the other to wear skinny jeans.
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A lawyer was asked if he likes to become a Jehovah's Witness.
He declined, as he hadn't seen the accident, but replied that he would still be interested in taking the case.
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I was walking down the street with my wife earlier when she accused me of being ashamed to be seen with her.
"That's total bollocks" I replied.
By text, from across the road.
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