Q: What do you give a sick bird?
A: Tweetment!
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What happens when you kiss a canary?
You get chirpes, it can't be tweeted because its a canarial disease.
The facts on this website are Chuck Norris' smallest acheivements.
If you knew what he was really capable of, you would never sleep at night.
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Q: Why can't scientists find a cure for AIDS?
A: They can't get the laboratory mice to arse f*ck.
Q: Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused a Novocain injection during root canal treatment?
A: He wanted to transcend dental medication!
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: What? No!
Gmail: Call the police
Before Instagram, I used to waste so much time sitting around having to imagine what my friends' food looked like.
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Q: What do you call a rooster who wakes you up at the same time every morning?
A: An alarm cluck!
I follow CIA on Twitter just so they can see how it feels.
Q: What's a good holiday tip?
A: Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until all the birds have gone south for the winter.
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