Q: What do New Year's Parades have in common with Santa Claus?
A: No one is awake to see either of them.
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This woman walks into a tattoo parlor and asks for a tattoo of a christmas tree on her right inner thigh and a cocktail drink on her left inner thigh.
The tatoo artist say thats an unusual request. "Why do you want two tattoos there?"
So she says "Because my husband needs to eat between christmas and new years."
Yo mama so ugly she made santa say ho ho ho.
My New Years resolution is 1080p.
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My New Year's resolution is to stop hanging out with people who ask me about my New Year's resolutions.
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On a famous TV game show a blonde contestant needed only to answer one more question.
One simple question stood between her and the Ł1.000 prize.
"To be today's champion," the show's host smiled, "name two of Santa's reindeer."
The blonde gave a sigh of relief because she had been given such an easy question.
"Rudolph!" she said confidently, "and... Olive!"
The studio audience started to applaud (as the little sign above their heads said to do) but the clapping quickly faded into mumbling, and the confused host replied, "Yes, we'll accept Rudolph, but could you please explain... 'Olive?!'"
"You know," the woman circled her hand forward impatiently and began to sing, "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer - had a very shiny nose. And if you ever saw it, you would even say it glowed. *Olive,* the other reindeer..."
What has antlers, pulls Father Christmas sleigh and is made of cement?
I don't know.
A reindeer.
What about the cement?
I just threw that in to make it hard.
Chuck starts the new year by roundhouse kicking the old one.
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Ring out the old, ring in the new,
Ring, happy bells, across the snow:
The year is going, let him go;
Ring out the false, ring in the true.
A New Year's resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.