Joke #11583

A New Year's resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.
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has 71.76 % from 28 votes. More jokes about: new year, time

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On New Year's Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living. Well, it was kind of embarrassing. As the clock struck, the bartender was almost crushed to death.
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has 78.06 % from 49 votes. More jokes about: bar, bartender, life, new year, time
Q: What does it mean if you were born in September? A: That your parents started the new year with a bang!
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has 72.33 % from 69 votes. More jokes about: birthday, dirty, new year, sex, time
Q: What's the forecast for New Year's Eve? A: Mostly drunk with a slight chance of passing out.
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has 58.52 % from 27 votes. More jokes about: drunk, new year, time
Q: What do you tell someone you didn't see at New Year's Eve? A: I haven't seen you for a year!
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has 39.64 % from 21 votes. More jokes about: black humor, new year, time
My new year's resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my cup half-full with either rum, vodka, or whiskey.
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has 60.56 % from 19 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, new year
A man is trapped on a desert island with a sheep and a dog. After a few months, the sheep starts looking really attractive to the man. However, whenever he approaches the sheep the dog begins to growl in a threatening manner. The man takes the dog to the opposite side of the island giving it some food as a distraction. He runs back to the sheep only to find the dog growling at him. The man ties the dog to a tree with a large leash. He goes back to the sheep only to find the dog growling with a gnawed off leash around its neck. By now, the man is getting depressed and frustrated. As he sits under a palm tree staring out to sea, a beautiful woman in a tight-fitting wet suit emerges from the surf. She asks him who he is and, taking pity upon his lonely state, asks if there's ANYTHING she could do for him. The man thinks for a moment and then responds: "Could you take the dog for a walk?"
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has 39.42 % from 36 votes. More jokes about: animal, desert island, dog, time
A 64-year-old lady never had any kids, so she went to her doctor and asked if he would help her with in-vitro fertilization. He said, "You're a little old, but I guess we could give it a try." A few months later she got pregnant. She invited her girlfriends over to see the baby, and they all very anxious to see the baby boy. The newly mother said, "why don't we just talk awhile." As time went on, her friends asked again and again where is the baby... She said, "We never get a chance to talk, and here is our chance to catch up!" Finally they insisted on seeing him. She said, "Well, we'll just have to wait until he cries before you all can see him." The women were puzzled. And she said, "I don't remember where I put him."
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has 77.50 % from 30 votes. More jokes about: age, baby, doctor, memory, time
My New Years resolution is 1080p.
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has 61.28 % from 16 votes. More jokes about: new year, technology
God said to Adam, "I’ve got some good news and some bad news. First the good news. I have given you a brain and a p***s. The bad news… I’ve only given you enough blood to work one of them at a time!"
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has 84.24 % from 1298 votes. More jokes about: god, men, sex, time
Chuck starts the new year by roundhouse kicking the old one.
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has 50.70 % from 17 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris, new year