Joke #11583

A New Year's resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.
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On New Year's Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living. Well, it was kind of embarrassing. As the clock struck, the bartender was almost crushed to death.
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Q: What do you tell someone you didn't see at New Year's Eve? A: I haven't seen you for a year!
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You don't have to wait until midnight to see my balls drop.
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My new year's resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my cup half-full with either rum, vodka, or whiskey.
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If your born in September, its pretty safe to assume your parents started out the New Year with a Bang!
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Chuck Norris tells clocks what time it is.
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My New Years resolution is 1080p.
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Three men were caught for murder on same day. Very next day they were produced in the court. After hearing all the arguments the judge decided to declare the verdict after lunch. It happened to be his wife's birthday that day and he had promised to not give death penalty on her birthday to anyone. After lunch judge announced that all the three accused will receive 500 lashes. Since it's almost a death penalty all accused were asked for their last wish. First one thought as nothing can save him now, wishes for noth ing. He is lashed 500 times all over his body. He was bleeding all over gasping for final breath and conciousness. When second person was asked for his wish he thought for a moment and said, "I wish that 10 pillow is tied all over me." Well, 500 lashes was given but he laughed all over as pillow absorbed all the forces of lashes. Now, The third person was called and asked for his wish. He looked around. He saw first person facing his death and counting his last breath and second person laughing at first person calling him idiot. He took some time and with deep breath said,"Tie second person over me. "
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Chuck starts the new year by roundhouse kicking the old one.
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What fits your schedule better...... Exercising 1 hour a day or being fat 24 hours a day?
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