A New Year's resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.
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On New Year's Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready.
At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.
Well, it was kind of embarrassing.
As the clock struck, the bartender was almost crushed to death.
Q: What does it mean if you were born in September?
A: That your parents started the new year with a bang!
Q: What's the forecast for New Year's Eve?
A: Mostly drunk with a slight chance of passing out.
Q: What do you tell someone you didn't see at New Year's Eve?
A: I haven't seen you for a year!
Vote:
Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?
Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.
Vote:
Q: How long does it take before a pound of weed goes bad?
A: I don't know! I've never had it longer than an hour!
A drunk man comes inside a bar and says, "Happy New Year everybody." and the waiter says, "We are in June you drunk man."
And the drunk man says, "Oh my god my wife is going to kill me I have never been so late in my life!"
Ring out the old, ring in the new,
Ring, happy bells, across the snow:
The year is going, let him go;
Ring out the false, ring in the true.
The November 5th Gunpowder Plot has been described as the 9/11 of its day.
Staged by the government to discredit an entire religion.
This woman walks into a tattoo parlor and asks for a tattoo of a christmas tree on her right inner thigh and a cocktail drink on her left inner thigh.
The tatoo artist say thats an unusual request. "Why do you want two tattoos there?"
So she says "Because my husband needs to eat between christmas and new years."