A New Year's resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.
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On New Year's Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready.
At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.
Well, it was kind of embarrassing.
As the clock struck, the bartender was almost crushed to death.
Q: What does it mean if you were born in September?
A: That your parents started the new year with a bang!
Q: What's the forecast for New Year's Eve?
A: Mostly drunk with a slight chance of passing out.
Q: What do you tell someone you didn't see at New Year's Eve?
A: I haven't seen you for a year!
Vote:
I sent a reminder to a client that it was time to visit the eye doctor.
He called back to inform me that he would not be coming in because, as he put it, "I have a new obstetrician."
Vote:
My new year's resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my cup half-full with either rum, vodka, or whiskey.
One Sunday morning, Satan appeared before a small town congregation.
Everyone started screaming and running for the front church door, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away.
Soon, everyone was gone, except for an elderly gentleman who sat calmly.
Satan walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
Satan asked, "Aren't you going to run?"
"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.
Perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."
A Senator in the USA was once asked about his attitude toward whisky.
"If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I'm against it.
But if you mean the elixir of a New Year toast, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I'm for it.
This is my position, and I will not compromise."
There were three guys manhers, shaup and shed.
They went for a drive, shed wanted to go to the store to pick up snacks for the ride.
So shed went in the store.
Twenty minutes passes they were getting impatient so manhers went in what's taking him so long.
Minutes later a police officer went to him and asked his name he replied "shaup!"
Police officer was startled what he said.
Police said "where's your manners boy!".
Shaup replied to the officer "he's inside picking up shed*
This woman walks into a tattoo parlor and asks for a tattoo of a christmas tree on her right inner thigh and a cocktail drink on her left inner thigh.
The tatoo artist say thats an unusual request. "Why do you want two tattoos there?"
So she says "Because my husband needs to eat between christmas and new years."