A New Year's resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.
Q: What does it mean if you were born in September? A: That your parents started the new year with a bang!
On New Year's Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living. Well, it was kind of embarrassing. As the clock struck, the bartender was almost crushed to death.
Q: What's the forecast for New Year's Eve? A: Mostly drunk with a slight chance of passing out.
Q: What do you tell someone you didn't see at New Year's Eve? A: I haven't seen you for a year!
A drunk man comes inside a bar and says, "Happy New Year everybody." and the waiter says, "We are in June you drunk man." And the drunk man says, "Oh my god my wife is going to kill me I have never been so late in my life!"
Police arrested Joe Bloggs, a 27-year old white male and resident of Wimbledon UK, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38pm Friday. Bloggs will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the County courthouse on Monday. The suspect allegedly stated that after a night of drinking, as he was passing a pumpkin patch, he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview from the County courthouse jail. Bloggs went on to state that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, poked a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need." "I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process, Bloggs apparently failed to notice the Wimbledon Municipal police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until Officer B.T. approached him. "It was an unusual situation, that's for sure." said Officer BT. "I walked up to (Bloggs) and he's...just working away at this pumpkin". BT went on to describe what happened when she approached Bloggs: "I just went up and said, 'Excuse me, sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?' He got real surprised as you'd expect and then looked me straight in the face and said, 'A pumpkin? Damn...is it midnight already?'"
Just got out of prison after attacking a man on New years eve. Excuse me for getting nervous while an Arab was counting down from ten.
In 1945 Chuck Norris drank a Redbull and jumped out a plane. For image results, Google the word Hiroshima.
Q: What do New Year's Parades have in common with Santa Claus? A: No one is awake to see either of them.
Chuck Norris was bitten by a cobra, cobra died after 5 days.