Wanna hear a pencil joke? Ugh, nevermind, it's pointless.
Q: What did the nurse say when she found a rectal thermometer in her pocket? A: "Some asshole has my pen!"
Is it still rape if you yell 'Surprise!' first?
When Chuck Norris talks, everybody listens. And dies.
You mama so bugle one detection went the other derection.
Don't get upset if I ask you where something is in Target when you choose to wear a red shirt and khakis to shop.
A guy and a girl are roommates in college. The girl goes to a frat party, brings home another guy, fucks him, and then decides the next morning that she likes her roommate and therefore it's not going to work out. After her fling left, her roommate came up to her and: Him: "I think I found my soulmate in you..." Her: "Really?!" Him: "Yeah... uh... that guy you brought home last night?" Her: "Oh yeah. I don't care about him anymore." Him: "Great! So he's available?"
Chuck Norris once ordered a steak in a restaurant. The steak did what it was told.
A woman was paying for some items in a supermarket - a pint of milk, a packet of bacon, a small bag of rice and a few vegetables. The man at the checkout said, "I bet you're single, aren't you?" "Well yes, I am," the woman replied. "How did you know?" "Because you're really ugly," replied the man.
Wife: "There's something preying on my mind." Husband: "Don't worry, it'll soon die of starvation."
Jim is up north on a trip and his car breaks down. He checks it out for a minute and being a mechanic he pretty quickly knows he needs a tow truck. He opens his phone and has no signal so he starts walking. A few minutes later he here's the bass of a car coming in the distance, bht dum dum do buh dum dum do. He waits and sees a low riding car pull up next to him. The windows roll down and smoke pours out. He sees a bunch of empty beer bottles. The driver and his 3 passengers ask "hey man! Need a lift? We saw your car up the road?" He thinks for a minute and decides not to go with them. The ask what's wrong with the car the mechanic replies "uhh just piston broke that's all" the driven than replies "eh so are we man hop in!"