Q: What do lipstick and mascara do when they get in a fight?
A: They make up.
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Chuck Norris often walks on Bikini Atoll during tests to get a tan.
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A beautiful woman in her thirties was passing through customs in London, when the customs official asks her what the reason for her trip to London was.
Business or pleasure, he asks?
Sadness and pleasure!
She says to the officer!
Why?
Well, my 75 years old husband has just died and I came to his funeral!
My condolences, says the officer!
It must be a very difficult and painful time you're going through!
Not really, this is my pleasure!
I'm so sad because only now I found out that he was dead broke and did not leave a dime, a penny, not even a will for me!
Man goes to a fancy dress party wearing only a glass jar on his p*nis.
Lady asks, "What are you?"
He says, "I'm a fireman."
"But you're only wearing a glass jar," says the woman.
He says, "Exactly, in an emergency, break glass."
Pull knob and I'll cum as fast as I can!"
A black guy walks into a bar with a beautiful parrot on his shoulder.
"Wow," says the bartender.
"That is really something. Where'd you get it?"
"Africa," says the parrot.
After losing his fortune, a Texas oilman decided to spend his last twenty bucks at a whorehouse.
He entered and promptly went up to the Madam and asked her what he could get for $20.
The Madam gave him a lengthy stare and told him to go upstairs, last door on the left.
He proceeded to march up the stairs and entered the room.
To his shock and pleasure he saw a beautiful blonde waiting naked on the bed.
So he tore off his clothes and jumped on and started pumping away for dear life.
Upon orgasm he noticed that stuff started oozing out of her eyeballs.
He runs down to the Madam to report this and she looks at him turns around and yells, "Hey Charlie....... The dead one's full again!"
Your beauty is why God invented eyeballs, but your booty is why God invented my balls!
In the beautiful world of fantasy, holding hands is the first sign of true love.
In college it means someone is too drunk to stand on their own.
Q: What does Frosty's wife put on her face at night?
A: Cold cream!
During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the priest with an unusual offer:
"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows.
When you get to the part where I'm supposed to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that out."
He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.
On the day of the wedding, when it came time for the groom's vows, the priest looked the young man in the eye and said:
"Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"
The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes, I do" then leaned toward the priest and hissed:
"I thought we had a deal."
The priest put a $100 bill into the groom's hand and whispered:
"She made me a better offer."