My mother in law was complaining about her dentures to me.
She told: "Whenever I get overweight it'll be a stench; when I make myself thin it would be stretched; when something squeezes in it then I 'll faint from enjoyment!"
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So David Is finally engaged, and is excited to show off his new bride.
"Ma", he said to his Mother, "I'm going to bring home three girls and I want you to guess which one is my fiance."
Sure enough twenty minutes later, David walks in the door with three girls following behind him.
"It's that one", said his mother, without blinking an eye.
"Holy cow", exclaimed David, "how in the world did you know it was her?"
"I just don't like her", she replied.
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Q: What is a difference between "accident " and "tragedy"?
A: Suppose you with the family are beside a pool. You suddenly push your mother in law into the pool - so it's an accident. If she could swim and gets out, in that case, it's a tragedy!
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My wife told me, "Don't get upset if someone calls you fat."
"You're much bigger than that."
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My ex-wife is so thick, that it is for me, when we meet sometimes, easier to jump her over than to go around her.
Single and ready to get nervous around anyone I find attractive.
Yo momma so skinny she looks like a mic stand.
Q: Why do fat, ugly women give the best blow jobs?
A: Because they have to!
What is the difference between turkey and mother-in-law?
There is no difference: both are the best when they are cold on the table.
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Q: How long does it take for a workplace bully to come up with a patentable new invention?
A: It depends: If the designer's desk drawer is locked, about 5 minutes, otherwise, under a minute.