Jesus won't come back again.
Why?
Because he know you will kill him and see if he will wake up again.
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A lawyer and the pope were both killed in an accident.
The two were in line to see St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter asked the lawyer his name and looked it up in his book.
He then asked the Pope for his name and looked it up in his book also.
"Now, if you will come with me, I will show you your eternal dwellings," said St. Peter.
They walked along the clouds and came to a huge mansion with all sorts of lavish trappings.
St. Peter turned to the lawyer and told him this was to be his house.
The Pope, knowing how important he was to the church could hardly imagine what his house would be like.
St. Peter and the Pope continued on to a small, beat-up wooden shack.
St. Peter told the Pope that this would be his dwelling.
The Pope, shocked, said to St. Peter, "Just a minute!"
That other guy was a lawyer and he gets a mansion.
I was the head of the Roman Catholic church, and this is all the reward I get?"
St. Peter looked at the Pope and said "True, you have done great things. But we have lots of Popes in Heaven, and that guy was the first lawyer ever to make it up here."
A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands.
He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.
The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"
My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."
Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"
He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."
Q: How does Jesus celebrate Easter?
A: He gets a manicure, pedicure, and has his nails polished.
The whole idea of Jesus dying to pay for our sins is bullshit.
Jews don't pay for anything.
Q: What did Jesus tell the Mexicans just before he died?
A: Act stupid until I get back.
Vote:
Q: What happened to Jesus when he said "Catch me outside, how bout dat"?
A: He got crucified
Vote:
How are a lawyer and a prostitute different?
The prostitute stops fucking you after you’re dead.
Vote:
What do you call a chocolate Easter bunny that was out in the sun too long?
A runny bunny.
3 europeans come to America.
They all get captured by native americans and they want to kill them.
But the europeans beg to have their lives spared.
The native americans agreed to not kill them on one condition: the europeans must go into the forest and bring back a fruit and they will be informed what to do with it.
So the first guy comes back with a peach.
The native american says "Shove it up your ass, if you laugh we kill you."
So, he shoves the peach up his ass and he laughs, and the native americans kill him.
The second guy comes back with a grape.
The native american tells him the same thing.
He laughs and the native american kills him.
They both see eachother in heaven and the first guy says to the second guy, "I had a peach and peaches are fuzzy so thats why I laughed, but you had a grape, what happened?"
The second guy says, "Oh yea I was doing just fine until I saw the other guy come back with a pineapple!"