A business man called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China.
After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa.
"Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those."
I double checked, and sure enough, his stay required a visa.
When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express."
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An old couple is at a fair an the old man sees a helicopter ride for $50.
The old man asks his wife, "I don't have much time left. Can I take I ride in one of them helicopters?"
His wife responds, "Oh well that's way too expensive."
The man running the helicopter rides as a pilot hears their conversation and makes them a deal.
"Hey, I'll take you on a ride for free, but you can't make one sound. If you do, then you have to pay $50." says the pilot.
The couple climbs in the helicopter.
The pilot takes off and does awesome tricks with the helicopter.
The couple never made a sound.
The pilot lands the helicopter and says, "Wow, impressive, usually people make so much noise on these rides."
The old man says, "Well, I almost made a noise when my wife fell out of the helicopter, but these rides are too expensive."
Vote:
"Hey, cabby! How much to take me to the station?"
"Five bucks, sir."
"And how much for my suitcase?"
"No charge for the suitcase, sir."
"Okay. Take the case and I’ll walk."
Your mom is so stupid she thought Nickelback was a refund.
Deciding to take up jogging, the middle-aged man was astounded by the wide selection of jogging shoes available at the local sports shoe store.
While trying on a basic pair of jogging shoe, he noticed a minor feature and asked the clerk about it.
“What’s this little pocket thing here on the side for?”
“Oh, that’s to carry spare change so you can call your wife to come pick you up when you’ve jogged too far.”
Patient: "Tell me how I can repay you for all your kindness."
Doctor: "You can pay by cash, cheque or MONEY order."
Did you hear about the gypsy who won the Lottery?
He got paid in travellers’ cheques.
A lady says to the psychiatrist, "I think I might be a nymphomaniac."
He says, "I'll see what I can do to help you. My fee is eighty dollars an hour."
She says, "How much for all night?"
Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "Sure, buddy."
Officer: "That's no way to address an officer!
Now, let's try it again!"
Officer: "Soldier.
Do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "No, SIR!"
‘Why don’t oysters give to charity?
Because they’re shellfish.’
Jay Leno
The devil visited a lawyer's office and made him an offer.
"I can arrange some things for you," the devil said.
"I'll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls, and their children's souls rot in hell for eternity."
The lawyer thought for a moment.
"What's the catch?" he asked.