Vodka won't solve your problems but it's worth a shot.
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Mark was passing by the bar on the way home from work when he sees his good friend Tom gulping down one shot after another.
Fearing the worst, Mark charged into the bar and confronted Tom.
"Tom what’s going on?" Mark asked.
"It’s my wife Beckie,"
Tom replied. "She ran off with my best friend!"
"Hey wait a second!" Said Mark.
"Aren’t I your best friend?"
"Not any more," Tom said with a happy smile. "He is!"
Two drunks had just gotten thrown out of the bar and are walking down the street when they come across this dog, sitting on the curb, licking his balls.
They stand there watching and after a while one of them says, " I sure wish I could do that!"
The other one looks at him and says, "Well, I think I'd pet him first".
The below are valid reasons as to why drinking should be allowed at work.
If you use them wisely, you may even be able to convince your boss to allow alcohol.
1. It's an incentive to show up.
2. It reduces stress.
3. It leads to more honest communications.
4. It reduces complaints about low pay.
5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.
6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
8. It encourages carpooling.
9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don't care.
10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
11. It makes fellow employees look better.
12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
A:I have the perfect son.
Q:Does he smoke?
A:No, he doesn't.
Q:Does he drink whiskey?
A:No, he doesn't.
Q:Does he ever come home late?
A:No, he doesn't.
Q:I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?
A:He will be six months old next Wednesday.
The Sun is shining, what a beautiful day!
It would be a pity not to sit this day in a pub by the window though.
Q. How many night club bouncers does it take to throw someone down the stairs?
A. None! He fell.
There were three strings that walked into the bar.
They sat down and they didn't get waited on so the first string walked up to the bar and asked for three beers.
The bartender said, "I'm sorry buddy we don't serve strings in here."
The string walks back to the table and tells his friends what the bartender said.
"I've been here before and gotten a drink, I'll go get us something to drink," said the second string.
The second sting walks up to the bar and politely asks the bartender for three beers.
The bartender says, "I thought I told your buddy we don't serve strings in here."
So the second string walks back and and tells his friends what has happened.
The third string says "Oh, I come in here all the time, I know how to order something to drink."
The third sting walks to the restroom where he ties himself up and muffs up his end.
He then walks out to the bar and asks the bartender for three beers.
The bartender kind of looks at him weird and says, "You a string?" "Frayed knot," he replies.
A drunk stammers out of a bar and runs into two priests.
He runs up to them and says, ”I’m Jesus Christ.”
The first priest says, ”No, son, I’m Jesus Christ.”
So the drunk says it to the second priest.
The second priest replies, ”No, son, I’m Jesus Christ.”
The drunk says, ”Look, I can prove it.” and walks back into the bar with the priests.
The bartender takes on look at the drunk and exclaims, ”Jesus Christ, you’re here again?”
A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink.
After a few more he needs to go to the can.
He doesn't want anyone to steal his drink so he puts a sign on it saying, "I spat in this beer, do not drink!". After a few minutes he returns and there is another sign next to his beer saying, "So did I!"