Joke #9556

Daughter: "That's it! I'll mary Arthur!" Mother: "But he is a lazy guy and heavy-drinker!" Father: "But you have to start with something!"

A pretty lady is standing on the side of a bridge, looking over it and thinking about jumping off. A homeless alcoholic man comes up to her as he was walking nearby. The lady notices the man coming and says: "Go away! There's nothing you can say to me to change my mind, you cannot help me." "Well, if you're going to kill yourself anyway, why don't we have sex? At least I'll enjoy it" replies the man. "No way, you're disgusting, go away." The homeless man turns and starts walking away. The lady thinks: "Is that all you were going to say to me? Nothing more? Won't you try to convince me that life is worth living that I should not jump off? Where are you going?" The homeless man thinks: "I have to make it down to the bottom. If I hurry, you'll still be warm."

After my wife died, I couldn't even look at another woman for 10 years. But now that I'm out of jail, I can honestly say it was worth it!

A ham sandwich walked into a bar and the bartender said: "We don't sell to ham sandwiches." But the sandwich replied: "That's okay, I only want a beer."

A woman is chatting with her friends when she points at a man in the street, ‘That’s my nextdoor neighbour. He’s an alcoholic!’ One of her friends asks, ‘How do you know that?’ The woman replies, ‘Yesterday he was at the bar drinking next to me all night.'

Q:What did the bartender say after a book walked into the bar? A:"Please, no stories!"

The Bible says I'll pay for my sins. I already do, Escorts, drugs and alcohol don't come free.

Latecomer: Am I too late for the bonfire? Host: No jump up there on the sticks, there is room next to that Guy.

What's 18 inches long and makes women scream all night ? Crib death.

Black Jokes are not funny I have a black guy in my family way up in my family tree. He's been hanging there for quite a while.

What did the cannibal say when he was full? I couldn't eat another mortal.