Joke #9556

Daughter: "That's it! I'll mary Arthur!" Mother: "But he is a lazy guy and heavy-drinker!" Father: "But you have to start with something!"

A pretty lady is standing on the side of a bridge, looking over it and thinking about jumping off. A homeless alcoholic man comes up to her as he was walking nearby. The lady notices the man coming and says: "Go away! There's nothing you can say to me to change my mind, you cannot help me." "Well, if you're going to kill yourself anyway, why don't we have sex? At least I'll enjoy it" replies the man. "No way, you're disgusting, go away." The homeless man turns and starts walking away. The lady thinks: "Is that all you were going to say to me? Nothing more? Won't you try to convince me that life is worth living that I should not jump off? Where are you going?" The homeless man thinks: "I have to make it down to the bottom. If I hurry, you'll still be warm."

If you throw a kitten out of a moving car, would it be considered kitty litter?

Q: Whats the difference between a box full of dead babies and a cadillac? A: I don't have a cadillac in my garage.

Warning: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

Q: What is a man's idea of a balanced diet? A: A Budweiser in each hand!

Will was trying to to teach his son the evils of alcohol. He put a worm in a glass of water & another in a glass of whiskey. The worm in the water lived while the one in the whiskey curled up & d*ed. "All right, son," Said Will, "what does that show you?" "Well dad, it shows that if you drink alcohol you will not have worms."

Sign seen in a bar: "Those drinking to forget please pay in advance."

You might be a redneck if the Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your wife.

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall . The drunk mumbles, "ain’t no use knocking, there’s no paper on this side either!"

Q: Why do old Jews have outhouses? A: Because their afraid of the showers.