Boy: "I love you so much, I could never live without you."
Girl: "Is that you or the beer talking?"
Boy: "It's me talking to the beer."
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A guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman.
After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
She yells, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"
Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.
Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes.
She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you.
You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200!?!"
A guy walks into a bar with a dog under his arm, puts the dog on the bar and announces that the dog can talk and that he has $100 he's willing to bet anyone who says he can't.
The bartender quickly takes the bet and the owner looks at the dog and asks, "What's the thing on top of this building which keeps the rain from coming inside?"
The dog answers "ROOF."
The bartender says, "Who are you kidding? I'm not paying."
The dogs owner says, "How about double or nothing and I'll ask him something else".
The bartender agrees and the owner turns to the dog and asks, "Who was the greatest ballplayer of all time".
The dog answers with a muffled "RUTH." With that the bartender picks them both up and throws them out the door.
As they bounce on the sidewalk the dog looks at his owner and says "DiMaggio?".
Old man O'Malley had worked down at the brewery for years, but one day he just wasn't paying attention and he tripped on the walkway and fell over into the beer vat and drowned.
The foreman thought it should be his job to inform the Widow O'Malley of her old man's death. He showed up at the front door and rang the bell.
When she came to the door, he said, "I'm sorry to tell you, but your poor husband passed away at work today when he fell into the vat and drowned."
She wept and covered her face with her apron and after a time, between sobs, she asked, "Tell me, did he suffer?"
"Knowing Brian O'Malley as well as I did, I don't think so," said the foreman, "He got out three times to go to the men's room."
Vote:
A proud new father sits down with his dad to have a drink.
"Well son, now that you have a son of your own its time I gave you something."
"Dad you don´t mea-"
"Yes I do. You've earned it." Says the father as he passes a copy of '1001 Dad Jokes 5th Edition' to the son.
"Dad I dont know what to say...I'm honored."
"Hi honored," Replies the father. "I'm dad."
Vote:
One sunny day in Ireland, two men were sitting in a pub, drinking some Guinness, when one turns to the other and says "You see that man over there? He looks just like me!
I think I'm gonna go over there and talk to him."
So, he goes over to the man and taps him on the shoulder.
"Excuse me sir," he starts, "but I noticed you look just like me!"
The second man turns around and says "Yeah, I noticed the same thing, where you from?",
"I'm from Dublin", second man stunned says, "Me too! What street do you live on?",
"McCarthy street", second man replies, "Me too! What number is it?", the first man announces, "162", second man shocked says,
"Me too! What are your parents names?", first man replies, "Connor and Shannon", second man awestruck says, "Mine too!
This is unbelievable!"
So, they buy some more Guinness and they're talking some more when the bartenders change shifts.
The new bartender comes in and goes up to the other bartender and asks "What's new today?" "Oh, the Murphy twins are drunk again."
A motorcycle cop pulls over a driver.
‘Have you been drinking, sir?’ says the cop.
‘Why?’ says the driver.
‘Is there a fat chick in my car?’
A preacher goes into a bar and says "Anybody who wants to go to heaven, stand up."
Everybody stands up except for a drunk in the corner.
The preacher says "My son, don't you want to go to heaven when you die?"
The drunk says "When I die? Sure. I thought you were taking a load up now."
There's this drunk standing out on the street corner, and a cop passes by, and says, "What do you think you're doing?"
The drunk says, "I heard the world goes around every 24 hours, and I'm waiting on my house.
Won't be long now, there goes my neighbor."