Boy: "I love you so much, I could never live without you."
Girl: "Is that you or the beer talking?"
Boy: "It's me talking to the beer."
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Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. Benjamin Franklin.
A man goes into a pub and says, ‘I’d like something tall, icy and full of gin.’
The barman turns and shouts into the kitchen, ‘Oi, Doris!
Someone to see you!’
Q: Whats the difference between Amy Winehouse and Captain Morgan?
A: Captain Morgan comes alive when you add coke!
A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car.
After examining the man he says,
"Sir, I couldn’t help but notice your eyes are bloodshot.
Have you been drinking?"
The man gets really indignant and says, "Officer, I couldn’t help but notice your eyes are glazed.
Have you been eating doughnuts?"
Whiskey is a great drink – it makes you see double and feel single.
A:I have the perfect son.
Q:Does he smoke?
A:No, he doesn't.
Q:Does he drink whiskey?
A:No, he doesn't.
Q:Does he ever come home late?
A:No, he doesn't.
Q:I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?
A:He will be six months old next Wednesday.
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall .
The drunk mumbles, "ain’t no use knocking, there’s no paper on this side either!"
Three guys were standing at the top of the Empire State Building in NYC.
The first guy says to the second, "You know, the wind currents are so strong here in NYC that one could step off the edge of the building and literally float in mid-air due to the upward thrust of the thermal air current."
"No way, man, you’re crazy," said the second guy to the first.
So the first guy steps off the edge of the building and justs floats in mid-air for about 20 seconds and then returns to the roof of the building.
The second guy is simply thrilled and says, "watch me do that" as he steps from the edge roof into the open air.
Of course he falls like a stone straight down all the way to the waiting pavement below–SPLAT!
The third guy, who has remained quiet the entire time, leans over to the first guy and say, "You know something Superman, sometimes you can be a real a*shole!"
Q: How many men does it take to open a Budweiser bottle?
A: none. the lady should already have it open on the table!
A man walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar.
When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the guy started to leave.
"Excuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled over what the guy had done.
"What was that all about?"
"Nothing", said the guy, "My wife just sent me out for a jar of olives."