Q: Why don't kleptomaniacs get puns?
A: Because they take things. Literally.
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Little Johnny was sitting in class one day and he really needed to go to the bathroom.
He yelled, "Teacher, Teacher, I have to go pee pee!"
The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, you should be old enough to know that this is not the proper word to use?"
"The correct word would be urinate."
"Now Johnny, would you please use the word urinate in a sentence?"
Little Johnny thought for a moment then said:, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger boobs you'd be a ten!"
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My girlfriend said she wanted a perfect holiday, so I had to stay home!
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Scissors are told not to run with Chuck Norris.
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A photon is checking into a hotel and the bellhop asks him "Do you have any luggage?"
The photon replies, "Nope, I'm traveling light."
Q: What are the three words you never wanna hear whilst having sex?
A: "Honey I'm home."
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A man is visiting a foreign country but does not speak the language that they speak there.
He decides to go to a church service, but the priest is speaking the native language, so the American man just does whatever the man in front of him does.
When the man in front of him stands, so does the American man.
When the man in front of him sits, so does the American man.
At one point, the priest says something, and the man in front of him stood.
So the American man stood too.
Everyone in the church gasped, so the American man hurriedly sat back down.
Later, the American man figured out that the priest was congratulating a birth.
When he had asked who was the father, and both men stood up, it had caused some confusion!
Q: Why is it unwise to share your secrets with a clock?
A: Time will tell.
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There was a crooked woman,
who ran a crooked mile.
She found a crooked Weiner,
who always made her smile.
She belongs in prison,
for she is just a crook.
And if you don't believe me,
you can read it in her book.
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Yo mama is so stupid when you asked her to grab McDonald's she brings the building home.
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I would tell a joke about a bed, but it hasn't been made up yet.
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