Joke #1407

Another name for a vagina is a cockpit

Three drifters are roaming the countryside for some time. They come upon a small farmhouse with crops planted around it. They are very hungry, thirsty, and tired so the first guy suggests they steal some food. The second says they should ask for food, so he then goes up and knocks on the door and an old, ugly lady answers. He asks for food and she agrees - but only under one condition. They must have sex with her. The first drifter says no, the lady is too ugly, and goes back into the woods. The third guy is very hungry and agrees. He enters the cottage and goes into a corner near a pile of corn to transact his business with the old lady. The old lady is ready, but the guy says he'll only do it if she's blindfolded. So she puts on a blindfold and bends over. Quickly the guy grabs an ear of corn and sticks it inside the old lady, then throws it out the window. The woman says, "Again," and the man does the same thing. Satisfied, she gives the man some food and he leaves. As he is walking out of the farmhouse, he comes upon the other two guys. "Guess what?" the first guy says, "while you screwed that old hag we found two ears of cream corn!"

A man visits his aunt in the nursing home. It turns out that she is taking a nap, so he just sits down in a chair in her room, flips through a few magazines, and munches on some peanuts sitting in a bowl on the table. Eventually, the aunt wakes up, and her nephew realizes he’s absentmindedly finished the entire bowl of peanuts. "I’m so sorry, auntie, I’ve eaten all of your peanuts!" "That’s okay, dearie," the aunt replied. "After I’ve sucked the chocolate off, I don’t care for them anyway."

What is funnier than a zombie baby hanging from a ceiling fan? Hitting it with a shovel when it comes around.

Q: What do you get if you cross a bear with a toilet? A: Winnie the Pooh.

What do you call a chocolate Easter bunny that was out in the sun too long? A runny bunny.

Three men were trekking through the desert and came across a magician standing at the top of a slide. The magician said, "You may each go down the slide and ask for a drink. When you reach the bottom of the slide, you shall land in a huge glass of that drink. The first man went down yelling, "Beer!" He landed in a glass of beer. The second man went down yelling, "Lemonade!" He landed in a glass of lemonade. The third guy man down the slide yelling, "Wee!"

A guy walks into a store. He goes up to the clerk and holds up his hand. In his hand he's holding a big pile of crap. He looks at the clerk with the biggest expression of relief and says, "Whew, that was close. Look what I almost stepped in."

Three flies in a trashcan get trapped overnight in a bathroom. The first fly goes to the sink, the second fly stays in the tub, and the third fly chooses the toilet. The next morning, all the exhausted flies gather back in the garbage can. The first fly says, "I'm exhausted! I almost got washed down the drain." The second fly says, "I almost got squashed by feet in the shower!" The third fly says, "The toilet was fine until it suddenly got dark. First, I heard thunder, then it started to rain, and if it weren't for that big brown log, I surely would have drowned."

What is the last thing to go through a bug's mind when it hits your windshield? It's ass.

This morning as I was buttoning my shirt, a button fell off. After that, I picked up my briefcase, and the handle fell off. Then I went to open the door, and the doorknob fell off. I went to get into my car, and the door handle came off in my hand. Now I'm afraid to pee.