I've been taking Viagra for my sunburn.
It doesn't cure it but it keeps the bed sheets off my legs at night.
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Q: Did you hear about the new Viagra eye-drops?
A: Apparently they make you look hard.
Q: Whats the difference between Niagara and Viagra?
A: Niagara Falls.
Q: What happens when a lawyer takes Viagra?
A: He gets taller.
Q: Why do nursing homes give Viagra to the old men every night?
A: It keeps them from rolling out of bed!
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Q. Why is it okay for dumb blonde's to catch cold?
A. They don't have to worry about blowing their brains out.
A man returns to the U.S. from Africa feeling very ill.
He goes to see his doctor, and is immediately rushed to the hospital, to undergo a barrage of extensive tests.
The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone by his bed rings.
“This is your doctor. We’ve had the results back from your tests and we’ve found you have an extremely nasty virus, which is extremely contagious!”
“Oh my gosh,” cries the man. He’s in a panic now. “What are you going to do, doctor?”
“Well we’re going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and pita bread.”
“Will that cure me?” asked the man hopefully.
The doctor replied, “Well no, but … it’s the only food we can get under the door.”
My late grandfather always told me:
"When there is a wind in your belly blow it out gently you feel a real comfort then look at the other's faces to see what are their reactions."
An 80-year-old man tells his wife, "I'm going to the doctor to get me some of those new Viagra pills."
His wife gets her coat on and says, "I'm going to the doctor, too. If you're going to start using that rusty old thing again, I'm getting a tetanus shot."
Two guys show up in Heaven at the same time.
The first guy says he froze to death, and the second guy tells him that he died of a heart attack.
"How did that happen?" asks the first guy.
"Well, I came home and thought I heard my wife with another man. But when I searched the house, I couldn't find anybody. I was so stricken with remorse for wrongly accusing my wife of infidelity, I had a heart attack and died on the spot."
"Geez," says the first guy. "If you'd opened the fridge, we'd both be alive right now."
Q: What did the nurse say when she found a rectal thermometer in her pocket?
A: "Some asshole has my pen!"
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