What do you call a van with 5 faggots in it? The AIDS team.
"Doctor, please, my son ate some cement. What can I do?" "First of all, don't give him anything to drink."
How do you know Charles Sweeney was dyslexic? He wanted to order the flaming saganagi, but he accidentally ordered a flaming Nagasaki.
Q: What's the hardest part about eating a vegetable? A: Getting her out of the wheelchair.
A woman visits the doctor as she has some abdominal pains and suspects she may be pregnant. After her examination, the doctor comes out to see her: "Well, I hope you like changing nappies/diapers". She replies: "Oh my god am I pregnant, am I pregnant!?" To which he responds: "No, you've got bowel cancer."
How can you tell if you have acne? If the blind can read your face.
There are only two things to worry about: Either you are well, or you are sick. If you are well, then there is nothing to worry about. But if your sick, there are two things to worry about. Either you will get well, or you will die. If you get well, there is nothing to worry about. But if you die, there are only two things to worry about. Either you will go to heaven or hell. If you go to heaven, there is nothing to worry about. But if you go to hell, you'll be so damn busy shaking hands with friends, you won't have time to worry.
Did you hear about the Easter egg hunt for the Alzheimer's patients? They hid their own eggs!
Doctor to Patient: "Don’t worry about your heart. It will function as long as you live."
Knock-knock Who is there? A shattered penis with many diseases. What kind of illness? Gall, Aids, Gonorrhea, Syphilis... Enough, it is the best present for my mother in law.
One of my friends returned from Afghanistan and I asked him if he is going to the party tomorrow. He said he can't walk.