Joke #14199

What is the worst combination of illnesses? Alzheimer's and diarrhea. You're running, but can't remember where.

What do you do for exercise? I lift weights. What do you do for cardio? I lift weights faster.

Two shepherds lean on their crooks at the end of a long day and the first asks the second, "So, how's it going?" The second one sighed and shook his head, "Not good, I can't pay my bills, my health isn't good, my kids don't respect me, and my wife is leaving me." The first replied, "Well, don't lose any sheep over it."

I took my wife's family out for biscuits and tea. They weren't very happy about having to donate blood though.

A Marine was going in for his physical. He had celebrated his 45th birthday that weekend. After taking all the tests, the blood other fluids. He was now waiting for the DR. in an office on the table in a paper outfit. The DR came in. After looking over all the notes, the Marine was asked if he had an active sex life. Straight-faced, the Marine answered. "Yes, Sir.' Asked how often, the Marine thought, "I cannot honestly answer that question, Sir." Turning to look at the Marine he was asked, "Why not?" Smiling the Marine stated. "One of the samples that were needed, I asked for some assistance. A nice Lady came in to help me. Would that count?" The DR. signed the paperwork. Walked out of the office saying, "Get dressed. You're fine."

Two friends run into each other while walking their dogs. One suggests lunch. The other says, "They won't let us in a restaurant with pets." Undeterred, the first guy and his German shepherd head into the restaurant. The maître d' stops them, saying, "Sir, you can't bring your dog in here." "But I'm blind," the man replies, "and this is my guide dog." The maître d', apologizing profusely, shows both man and dog to a table. His friend waits five minutes, then tries the same routine. "You have a Chihuahua for a guide dog?" the skeptical maître d' says. "A Chihuahua?" the man says. "Is that what they gave me?"

If you carefully examine your health insurance policy, you will see that there is no cover for "Chuck Norris related incidents".

What does a blind, deaf, quadriplegic baby can get for Christmas ? Cancer.

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

What's the definition of bravery? A man with diarrhea chancing a fart!

What do you call a vegetarian with diarrhea? A salad shooter.