I never wanted to believe my brother was stealing from his job as a road worker.
But when I got home, all the signs were there.
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Getting married is like buying a dishwasher.
You'll never have to do it by hand again.
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I got so fed up with trick or treaters at Halloween that in the end I turned the lights out and pretended I wasn't in.
Forget the ships.
My lighthouse, my rules...
What is so special about the retirement age?
"It is the time when one acquires sufficient experience to lose one's job."
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YO MAMA IS SO STUPID SHE GOT FIRED FROM A BL*W JOB.
A person went into the office kitchen one morning and found a new blonde girl painting the walls.
She was wearing a new fur coat and a nice denim jacket.
Thinking this was a little strange, he asked her why she was wearing them rather than old clothes or an overall.
She showed him the instructions on the tin, "For best results, put on two coats".
Q: Who has the most dangerous job in Transylvania?
A: Dracula's dentist.
Q: Why did the astronaut retire?
A: He got spaced out!
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How many civil servants does it take to set fire to Guy Fawkes on November 5th?
Twenty, One to strike the match and nineteen to fill in the paper work.
Q: Why are farmers cooler than Hipsters?
A: Farmers can go a day without their Pitchfork
A little boy is in school working on his arithmetic.
The teacher says, “Imagine there are 5 black birds sitting on a fence. You pick up your BB gun and shoot one. How many blackbirds are left?”
The little boy thinks for a moment and says, “NONE!”
The teacher replies, “None, how do you figure that?”
The little boy says, “if I shoot one, all the other birds will fly away scared, leaving none on the fence.”
The teacher replies, “Hmm, not exactly, but I do like the way you think!”
The little boy then says, “Teacher, let me ask you a question. There are 3 women sitting on a park bench eating ice cream cones. One is licking her cone, another is biting it and the third one is sucking it. How can you tell which one of the women is married?”
The teacher ponders the question uncomfortably and then finally replies, “Well, I guess the one sucking her cone.”
To which the little boy replies, “Actually, its the one with the wedding ring, but I do like the way YOU think!”